Tonight we received news of 2 people we have a connection with that passed away from cancer. It hits you hard the bitter reality of it, cancer can kill you. I'm still very confident I have done everything I can to prevent a reoccurance of or have the cancer spread in my body but then you hear about 2 people you are connected with either as friends or through your friends.
The first individual we heard about was at dinner with the kids. Grants FB lit up with notes about prayers for a family. I knew this person was not doing well and the cancer was spreading. His posts on Caring Bridge were always optimistic and tinged with sarcastic humor. His fight started a few months before me with throat cancer. I feel some guilt because Ben wanted to meet with me to talk about nutrition and some diet he was following. I quite simply was too scared. I didn't want to talk to someone who was terminal. I was having a difficult time grasping what was going on with me and trying to talk to someone else and having the words, " I have cancer" come out of my mouth was just too difficult. Also mentioning my reoccurrence % just made it more realistic I could die from cancer.
I followed Ben's Caring Bridge entries hoping things would improve, like another guy here in town. Ben's entries became less frequent and more detailed of the cancer spreading. I silently was fighting for him and holding onto the slim chance things could turn around...like with my cancer. Just yesterday I was thinking of him wondering how he was doing, so when we heard this at dinner in the restaurant, I had a few tears break out. He was part of "my circle" that I had been watching and following. So far everyone in this circle have been doing great so this was a blow to me.
We received our 2nd note of a death a few hours later. A friend's father had passed away from prostrate cancer. I had never met the man but heard stories. It just was another reality check-yep, cancer in its various forms can kill. It's just unnerving. There is a worry inside of me, that maybe my cancer will return but I am comfortable to say I have done everything possible to try and stop it.
I know there will be many more people and possibly friends diagnosed with cancer. They possibly will be reading and watching my blog, hoping for the best for me. What I do know is that I feel I have beaten the cancer. I just wish everyone could. My thoughts and prayers are with you Ben for fighting the fight and giving it all you had.
December 11, 2011
Hair: The long, short, and none of it.
What a journey it has been. Seems I'm starting my blogs with this sentiment all the time. It is December 11, 2011. It will be almost a year from my diagnosis on January 3, 2010. I've conquered quite a bit during this time. I'm feeling good, really good. Even my favorite grocery guy at the local market said to me, "you are glowing". Wow! I like that...too bad he wasn't in his late 20's then I would have been walking on air....haha just kidding!
I finished chemo Aug 11, 2011. I did the ACT regime. My last Taxol that I was to receive was in short supply so I received Taxotere. I had lost just about all my hair; on my head, my legs, my bikini area (to my husband's amusement), arm pit hair. My brows had slightly thinned, same with my eye lashes. I still had arm hair....go figure that one? 2 weeks after my last Taxotere I finally lost just about all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I tried the Latisse for my eye lashes but it only made the few lashes I had longer! It did not fill in my lashes. My eyebrows closest to my nose I did not lose bu they looked like 2 small bushy dots with threads of hair here and there that went out. It was suggested to me to go to the Benefit Bar at Macy's to have them show me how draw my brow in. It was a Godsend. The gal shaped my bushes and showed me how to pencil the brow in....I have to say I looked good! I had the arched brow I had always wanted but seemed to end up with a slight arched caterpillar look after my brow waxings.
The beginning of September is when I finally noticed my hair growing again. I had to shave my legs. I also had thick peachfuzz appearing on my head. It was white but growing. Each day, morning and night I would lean close to my mirror and look at the hair on my head. It was one evening when my husband said, you have alot of hair on the back of my head. I took a small mirror and held it up so I could the back of my head, oh my God, I did. It was thick, so thick I did not see my scalp. It swirled with a cowlick I must have had. It was still white but with tinges of blond. It was hair, real hair. I still wore my hat in public because I was technically bald still.
As time passed into the end of October my hair filled out more. Tips were white, roots were dark. I became more confident in my fullness and started going without my hat. I also started to gel my hair to give it a bed-head hair raised look. It looked good! Short but good. When you see yourself everyday you think wow I have alot of hair. When you appear at the grocery store or local coffee place, the people there don't think that....they think wow she must have had cancer, her hair is so thin and close to her head. I must say I am looking forward to the day when no one notices me as a cancer patient. When my hair is longer and full. When my hairstyle is just simply that, my hair style that everyone else has.
As of today I am back to shaving my legs every couple days. Getting my chin waxed (darn that came back!), and keeping my brows shaped. My eye lashes are to die for! They have come in thick and full...all with no help from the Latisse. When I use mascara, they are so long and full! The hair on my head is thick also. Same as before, white tips dark roots but thick! I do style it now with gel and it is a look that is growing on me, hahaha, get it? Growing on me-so bad but humor is needed. I am beginning to look like someone who has chosen to have short hair not a person rebounding from cancer. However.....there is a look I have that is recognized by other women who have had chemo. It's hard to explain but you can tell by someones regrown hair when it is short that is it chemo regrowth hair. I just had a stranger come up to my at the grocery store and comment "your hair looks amazing. It really sets off your blue eyes. I went through chemo 11 years ago". The 1st thing I do when someone says that to me is, I look at their hair with a sense of relief-it came back. I also notice the women who are wearing scarves or hats. I think about how strong they must be since I know what they are going through.
So here I am. My next big decision is do I color my hair or leave it this silver, dark, blond color? It's a nice quandary to have for now.
Radiation update: I am now 2 weeks out from my last radiation treatment. The days following my skin continued to react. I keep the lotion on the radiated breast quite often.The skin peeled in my arm pit with the leathery skin. Now the skin on my breast has begun to peel also revealing normal soft skin. I'm blotchy in appearance with the skin color but that is evening out also. I've started using full movement of my arm on the left side as well, stretching during my pilates class and lifting light weights. My next surgery will be mid Feb to change out the saline implants to silicone. My scars now have healed amazingly well. So well that you can hardly see them. If I wear a lace bando my breasts actually look very sexy and there is no hint of reconstruction. The looks I get after I say, I had a double mastectomy, are rather funny since I can see their look of puzzlement at my great cleavage. Oh well....let them look ;-)
So Happy Holidays to you...here is a recent pic of me with my oldest daughter....and this was already a couple weeks ago! I have more hair now!
I finished chemo Aug 11, 2011. I did the ACT regime. My last Taxol that I was to receive was in short supply so I received Taxotere. I had lost just about all my hair; on my head, my legs, my bikini area (to my husband's amusement), arm pit hair. My brows had slightly thinned, same with my eye lashes. I still had arm hair....go figure that one? 2 weeks after my last Taxotere I finally lost just about all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I tried the Latisse for my eye lashes but it only made the few lashes I had longer! It did not fill in my lashes. My eyebrows closest to my nose I did not lose bu they looked like 2 small bushy dots with threads of hair here and there that went out. It was suggested to me to go to the Benefit Bar at Macy's to have them show me how draw my brow in. It was a Godsend. The gal shaped my bushes and showed me how to pencil the brow in....I have to say I looked good! I had the arched brow I had always wanted but seemed to end up with a slight arched caterpillar look after my brow waxings.
The beginning of September is when I finally noticed my hair growing again. I had to shave my legs. I also had thick peachfuzz appearing on my head. It was white but growing. Each day, morning and night I would lean close to my mirror and look at the hair on my head. It was one evening when my husband said, you have alot of hair on the back of my head. I took a small mirror and held it up so I could the back of my head, oh my God, I did. It was thick, so thick I did not see my scalp. It swirled with a cowlick I must have had. It was still white but with tinges of blond. It was hair, real hair. I still wore my hat in public because I was technically bald still.
As time passed into the end of October my hair filled out more. Tips were white, roots were dark. I became more confident in my fullness and started going without my hat. I also started to gel my hair to give it a bed-head hair raised look. It looked good! Short but good. When you see yourself everyday you think wow I have alot of hair. When you appear at the grocery store or local coffee place, the people there don't think that....they think wow she must have had cancer, her hair is so thin and close to her head. I must say I am looking forward to the day when no one notices me as a cancer patient. When my hair is longer and full. When my hairstyle is just simply that, my hair style that everyone else has.
As of today I am back to shaving my legs every couple days. Getting my chin waxed (darn that came back!), and keeping my brows shaped. My eye lashes are to die for! They have come in thick and full...all with no help from the Latisse. When I use mascara, they are so long and full! The hair on my head is thick also. Same as before, white tips dark roots but thick! I do style it now with gel and it is a look that is growing on me, hahaha, get it? Growing on me-so bad but humor is needed. I am beginning to look like someone who has chosen to have short hair not a person rebounding from cancer. However.....there is a look I have that is recognized by other women who have had chemo. It's hard to explain but you can tell by someones regrown hair when it is short that is it chemo regrowth hair. I just had a stranger come up to my at the grocery store and comment "your hair looks amazing. It really sets off your blue eyes. I went through chemo 11 years ago". The 1st thing I do when someone says that to me is, I look at their hair with a sense of relief-it came back. I also notice the women who are wearing scarves or hats. I think about how strong they must be since I know what they are going through.
So here I am. My next big decision is do I color my hair or leave it this silver, dark, blond color? It's a nice quandary to have for now.
Radiation update: I am now 2 weeks out from my last radiation treatment. The days following my skin continued to react. I keep the lotion on the radiated breast quite often.The skin peeled in my arm pit with the leathery skin. Now the skin on my breast has begun to peel also revealing normal soft skin. I'm blotchy in appearance with the skin color but that is evening out also. I've started using full movement of my arm on the left side as well, stretching during my pilates class and lifting light weights. My next surgery will be mid Feb to change out the saline implants to silicone. My scars now have healed amazingly well. So well that you can hardly see them. If I wear a lace bando my breasts actually look very sexy and there is no hint of reconstruction. The looks I get after I say, I had a double mastectomy, are rather funny since I can see their look of puzzlement at my great cleavage. Oh well....let them look ;-)
December 3, 2011
Radiation-done
28/28 radiation appts done. I made it. Much more difficult then 3 1/2 years ago.
My skin on my left breast is red and has small pimple type sores. It is very tender to the touch. My upper right area of my left breast has larger pimples and the surrounding skin is a brilliant red. Sometimes when I rub too hard I can feel water I'm assuming coming from the blisters. What caused this area to have more of a reaction is the metal bolis the radiation oncologist uses to treat me. What they did is place on my left breast a sheet of plastic then a material that is made from metal, kinda like an 1980's metal lamay type tops that were popular back then....all you younger people won't remember but it's something you would see in an Austin Powers movie. The reason the bolis is used is that we are trying to kill any cancer cells close to my skin on the underside. If you go to the link I have provided it gives more detail.
When you receive radiation it will sink 1cm deep before it begins it's affect. Having this material on me causes the radiation to hit the material first (the 1st cm) then the focus is the immediate top of my skin and the tissue right under. Well it's working. Skin is reacting. Ouch. I also have a brown tan (almost like leather in my arm pit) that is similar in shape to a triangle. No blisters here just very brown leathery skin. I also have a back radiation shadow burn. The radiation is very specific and is targeting certain areas of my remaining breast area and chest wall. The radiation will pass through my body and will bounce off the table I lay on and create this shadow on my back. This shadow looks like a sunburn tan but in the shape of a triangle. Kinda weird if you think about it.
So what do they do during radiation? Prior to my session I went into a simulator that projected beams of where the treatment area is. It included different angels and depths of the radiation treatment. To make sure every treatment follows my set treatment plan there are a number of things done.
1st. An I.D. Card is created with my photo and bar code. Each time I arrive for treatment I swipe my card under the scanner. This loads my treatment program in the que for my appointment. 2nd I have very small pin dot tattoos on me that the technicians use when they line up their coordinates for treatment. When I lay on the radiation table I have a type of bull's eye projected on my chest that is used to help match the dots on my chest to the dots on the bull's eye. 3) before treatment begins I am matched to my photo I.d. Card and asked simple questions to verify its me. There are always 2 people sometimes 3 who match my coordinates. It's goes like this: 1 person at computer calls out coordinate. Person at my side repeats coordinate. Moves me by pulling a sheet under me to get the right mapping coordinate or lifts/lowers the table. Once I'm matched, the person next to me confirms coordinate again. Computer person confirms again and then they move onto the next coordinate. Same procedure. Once their done, they leave the room to protect themselves. Thick doors and walls keep the radiation "contained".
Once all my coordinates are matched, I have to lay very still with my hands above my head holding onto a bar that comes up from the table. The radiation doses only take 30 seconds or so to administer. The radiation treatment comes out of this huge metal arm. The arm rotates above or at the angle where I receive my treatment. You see nothing, no light, no flash just a weird sound maybe like two gears scrapping against each other and then you hear the rotating of the arm when it moves from one spot to the next. I receive 3 different treatment angles. One aiming from top right downward to lower left. Then the arm rotates below the table on my left side and treatment angles up from lower left to upper right. Finally treatment from the top straight down for the entire breast and lymph node area. The treatment is very specialized to specific areas and depths. My only internal organs touched by radiation is a slight sliver of my lung and a slight sliver of my esophagus. No radiation reaches other organs. The radiation I had 3 1/2 years ago is not in the same treatment area as this time. The staff do measure me at times to make sure the projection does not hit my right breast tissue. Sometimes they have to tape my right breast down so it is pulled out of the way. They also make sure there is at least a couple mm space from my prior treatment on my chest. Sometimes they whip out this clear plastic ruler and measure the distance from the projection to my prior treatment area in the middle of my chest. It is very reassuring to me they are so precise.
So here I am. Done. The radiation oncologist gives you a certificate of completion, everyone hugs you and says good bye. You joke with the staff I hope to never see you again and you secretly hope deep down inside you never do. Well this time I really hope not to see them again. If I do see them again it will be because cancer has spread through my body.
It is about 1 week out from my finish. My skin is improving greatly. I was prescribed silver cream for my burns. It helps the burns heal. It is very greasy and I have to wear old tee shirts since it seeps through the shirt. I also use various Burt's Bee's natural lotions to help with the skin. The entire breast looks better. My armpit brown leather skin is now peeling and showing new skin underneath. My back shadow is improving also but I can feel the skin is still rough. If I don't keep the skin moisturized, it hurts so I'm constantly putting lotion on. As for the exhaustion people say you get....it does happen. Some nights are worse then others but for the most part it has not been really bad.
I'm just happy to be at the point I am, done. I do have to meet with the oncologist and go over my continued treatment plan of pills, shots, etc. I also have a change out surgery from my saline implants to my silicone implants in February.
As for now, I'm busy doing nothing and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
My skin on my left breast is red and has small pimple type sores. It is very tender to the touch. My upper right area of my left breast has larger pimples and the surrounding skin is a brilliant red. Sometimes when I rub too hard I can feel water I'm assuming coming from the blisters. What caused this area to have more of a reaction is the metal bolis the radiation oncologist uses to treat me. What they did is place on my left breast a sheet of plastic then a material that is made from metal, kinda like an 1980's metal lamay type tops that were popular back then....all you younger people won't remember but it's something you would see in an Austin Powers movie. The reason the bolis is used is that we are trying to kill any cancer cells close to my skin on the underside. If you go to the link I have provided it gives more detail.
When you receive radiation it will sink 1cm deep before it begins it's affect. Having this material on me causes the radiation to hit the material first (the 1st cm) then the focus is the immediate top of my skin and the tissue right under. Well it's working. Skin is reacting. Ouch. I also have a brown tan (almost like leather in my arm pit) that is similar in shape to a triangle. No blisters here just very brown leathery skin. I also have a back radiation shadow burn. The radiation is very specific and is targeting certain areas of my remaining breast area and chest wall. The radiation will pass through my body and will bounce off the table I lay on and create this shadow on my back. This shadow looks like a sunburn tan but in the shape of a triangle. Kinda weird if you think about it.
So what do they do during radiation? Prior to my session I went into a simulator that projected beams of where the treatment area is. It included different angels and depths of the radiation treatment. To make sure every treatment follows my set treatment plan there are a number of things done.
1st. An I.D. Card is created with my photo and bar code. Each time I arrive for treatment I swipe my card under the scanner. This loads my treatment program in the que for my appointment. 2nd I have very small pin dot tattoos on me that the technicians use when they line up their coordinates for treatment. When I lay on the radiation table I have a type of bull's eye projected on my chest that is used to help match the dots on my chest to the dots on the bull's eye. 3) before treatment begins I am matched to my photo I.d. Card and asked simple questions to verify its me. There are always 2 people sometimes 3 who match my coordinates. It's goes like this: 1 person at computer calls out coordinate. Person at my side repeats coordinate. Moves me by pulling a sheet under me to get the right mapping coordinate or lifts/lowers the table. Once I'm matched, the person next to me confirms coordinate again. Computer person confirms again and then they move onto the next coordinate. Same procedure. Once their done, they leave the room to protect themselves. Thick doors and walls keep the radiation "contained".
Once all my coordinates are matched, I have to lay very still with my hands above my head holding onto a bar that comes up from the table. The radiation doses only take 30 seconds or so to administer. The radiation treatment comes out of this huge metal arm. The arm rotates above or at the angle where I receive my treatment. You see nothing, no light, no flash just a weird sound maybe like two gears scrapping against each other and then you hear the rotating of the arm when it moves from one spot to the next. I receive 3 different treatment angles. One aiming from top right downward to lower left. Then the arm rotates below the table on my left side and treatment angles up from lower left to upper right. Finally treatment from the top straight down for the entire breast and lymph node area. The treatment is very specialized to specific areas and depths. My only internal organs touched by radiation is a slight sliver of my lung and a slight sliver of my esophagus. No radiation reaches other organs. The radiation I had 3 1/2 years ago is not in the same treatment area as this time. The staff do measure me at times to make sure the projection does not hit my right breast tissue. Sometimes they have to tape my right breast down so it is pulled out of the way. They also make sure there is at least a couple mm space from my prior treatment on my chest. Sometimes they whip out this clear plastic ruler and measure the distance from the projection to my prior treatment area in the middle of my chest. It is very reassuring to me they are so precise.
So here I am. Done. The radiation oncologist gives you a certificate of completion, everyone hugs you and says good bye. You joke with the staff I hope to never see you again and you secretly hope deep down inside you never do. Well this time I really hope not to see them again. If I do see them again it will be because cancer has spread through my body.
It is about 1 week out from my finish. My skin is improving greatly. I was prescribed silver cream for my burns. It helps the burns heal. It is very greasy and I have to wear old tee shirts since it seeps through the shirt. I also use various Burt's Bee's natural lotions to help with the skin. The entire breast looks better. My armpit brown leather skin is now peeling and showing new skin underneath. My back shadow is improving also but I can feel the skin is still rough. If I don't keep the skin moisturized, it hurts so I'm constantly putting lotion on. As for the exhaustion people say you get....it does happen. Some nights are worse then others but for the most part it has not been really bad.
I'm just happy to be at the point I am, done. I do have to meet with the oncologist and go over my continued treatment plan of pills, shots, etc. I also have a change out surgery from my saline implants to my silicone implants in February.
As for now, I'm busy doing nothing and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
November 15, 2011
Radiation and heading to the end of treatments
Yes, I know I have not blogged for quite a while. I think this time has not been as rough as the time period where I had the double mastectomy, reconstruction, and chemo. I am in the middle of radiation now to my left breast, center and upper left lymph nodes, and skin. I am actually at 20 of 28 sessions of radiation. The radiation will give me more benefit then the chemo. Hard to believe but true. The characteristics of my breast cancer and it being a grade 1 (non aggressive) form is what has made radiation so important. If my breast cancer was a grade 2 or 3 more aggressive, then the chemo would have played a more important part of my treatment. Chemo is for fast dividing cells or aggressive cells. Because my cancer was not made up of fast dividing cells the chemo had some benefit but not as great as one would think.
Radiation on the other hand is more important to me. If the cancer were to return in this area (left breast area) it could appear in my lymph nodes or chest wall or less likely but in the thin layer of tissue behind my skin. This is serious stuff if it were to return. It is more difficult to treat if it is on the chest wall and has greater chance of spreading to other internal organs. If it were to reappear in my lymph nodes there is the possibility it can spread to other parts of the body. If it appears in that very small bit of tissue under my skin, it could be more easily detected, which out of the 3 scenarios, is the one I like the best! My tumor was 11 cm large (can we say huge!) and was a type of breast cancer called Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Refresher course here.....it does not form lumps but spreads through the breast tissue like fingers. It is not detected by mammos but primarily by ultrasounds. Once the fingers have criss-crossed enough a shadow can appear on the ultra sound, which is what happened in my case. Both UCSF and my local hospital confirmed the size before surgery to be between 3.5 cm to 5 cm. Well they were wrong! I also had micromastectic sentinel lymph node involvement with 5 aux nodes clear. Anytime you have lymph node involvement it's a game changer.
So anyways....back to the subject, why did I choose chemo and double mastectomy? I wanted to be as aggressive as possible. It was a very difficult decision to do chemo knowing it was going to give me the least amount of benefit. Double mastectomy reason....2 cancers in 3 years. That was good enough for me.
So here I am in the middle to end of radiation. Do I regret any decisions I have made in the past year? No. I think I have been aggressive in my actions to stop the breast cancer and stop it from spreading to other parts of my body.
A secret I will share is that in 2008 when I was dealing with my 1st breast cancer (DCIS stage 0 ), there was something inside me that said, it will be back. I chose to ignore my "gut" feeling. This go around, I don't have that feeling. I know I am done dealing with cancer. There are peole I know that are diagnosed with various types of cancer and did not act aggressive in the beginning and their cancer spread. Yes, they did have other types of cancer besides breast cancer but the key was being aggressive early. I feel I have done that. I also have changed how I live my life now. Hardly any alcohol, exercising, eating really no meat, juicing...I've become a hippy other then I don't smoke pot. My son does still ask when I'm getting my medical marijuana card-and like I'm going to get stoned with my son??? Ah, no.
Radiation has been OK. My skin is really starting to have issues. It's red, small blisters and raw. Hurts to the touch. I ache inside. Not a bad pain just an ache. I am however very tired. I can feel the exhaustion at night. I could go to sleep at 7:00pm and sleep soundly all night, which I have been doing. I still have 8 sessions left and I am worried at how my skin is going to hold up to the end. I am using Cortisone for the itch and soothing lotions to help but it is going to reach a point, that none of this is going to help. What does it feel like? Well, imagine you have a slight case of poison oak with a really bad sunburn and it is about 2 inches in diameter near your center chest and then spreads over your breast but not as bad as that one high dose area. Uncomfortable.
I will get through it and keep moving forward with my treatments, Lupron shots and my final exchange of my reconstruction surgery from saline implant to silicone implant. My hair is coming back, thick and grey. I spike it occasionally just to make me think I have more hair then I do. Whatever makes me happy as my husband says. I'll keep everyone posted on how things are going but as I've said before I'm keeping my life busy and things are good.
Radiation on the other hand is more important to me. If the cancer were to return in this area (left breast area) it could appear in my lymph nodes or chest wall or less likely but in the thin layer of tissue behind my skin. This is serious stuff if it were to return. It is more difficult to treat if it is on the chest wall and has greater chance of spreading to other internal organs. If it were to reappear in my lymph nodes there is the possibility it can spread to other parts of the body. If it appears in that very small bit of tissue under my skin, it could be more easily detected, which out of the 3 scenarios, is the one I like the best! My tumor was 11 cm large (can we say huge!) and was a type of breast cancer called Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Refresher course here.....it does not form lumps but spreads through the breast tissue like fingers. It is not detected by mammos but primarily by ultrasounds. Once the fingers have criss-crossed enough a shadow can appear on the ultra sound, which is what happened in my case. Both UCSF and my local hospital confirmed the size before surgery to be between 3.5 cm to 5 cm. Well they were wrong! I also had micromastectic sentinel lymph node involvement with 5 aux nodes clear. Anytime you have lymph node involvement it's a game changer.
So anyways....back to the subject, why did I choose chemo and double mastectomy? I wanted to be as aggressive as possible. It was a very difficult decision to do chemo knowing it was going to give me the least amount of benefit. Double mastectomy reason....2 cancers in 3 years. That was good enough for me.
So here I am in the middle to end of radiation. Do I regret any decisions I have made in the past year? No. I think I have been aggressive in my actions to stop the breast cancer and stop it from spreading to other parts of my body.
A secret I will share is that in 2008 when I was dealing with my 1st breast cancer (DCIS stage 0 ), there was something inside me that said, it will be back. I chose to ignore my "gut" feeling. This go around, I don't have that feeling. I know I am done dealing with cancer. There are peole I know that are diagnosed with various types of cancer and did not act aggressive in the beginning and their cancer spread. Yes, they did have other types of cancer besides breast cancer but the key was being aggressive early. I feel I have done that. I also have changed how I live my life now. Hardly any alcohol, exercising, eating really no meat, juicing...I've become a hippy other then I don't smoke pot. My son does still ask when I'm getting my medical marijuana card-and like I'm going to get stoned with my son??? Ah, no.
Radiation has been OK. My skin is really starting to have issues. It's red, small blisters and raw. Hurts to the touch. I ache inside. Not a bad pain just an ache. I am however very tired. I can feel the exhaustion at night. I could go to sleep at 7:00pm and sleep soundly all night, which I have been doing. I still have 8 sessions left and I am worried at how my skin is going to hold up to the end. I am using Cortisone for the itch and soothing lotions to help but it is going to reach a point, that none of this is going to help. What does it feel like? Well, imagine you have a slight case of poison oak with a really bad sunburn and it is about 2 inches in diameter near your center chest and then spreads over your breast but not as bad as that one high dose area. Uncomfortable.
I will get through it and keep moving forward with my treatments, Lupron shots and my final exchange of my reconstruction surgery from saline implant to silicone implant. My hair is coming back, thick and grey. I spike it occasionally just to make me think I have more hair then I do. Whatever makes me happy as my husband says. I'll keep everyone posted on how things are going but as I've said before I'm keeping my life busy and things are good.
October 16, 2011
Hair, radiation, and the 2nd glance
Recovering great from the exchange. Incisions have healed. The shape is good but that will change as I go through radiation and the scar tissue begins to form through this process. At my last appt with my plastic surgeon he gave me some sort of lecture that scared me. I think it was more a stress thing for him. He was leaving the country for the month and he is so protective of his patients hes worried about something going wrong. So he tell's me things look good however I am to not lift weights, do excessive usage of my arms. He was concerned about the inside tissue becoming infected since it is raw. He went on to say it could turn into sepsis which could lead to death- is he serious??? What type of scare tactict is this? Well it worked. I'm being very careful about moving my arms and I haven't started radiation yet. That's next week.
Hair is finally growing back. The back of my head is getting really full so you don't see my head. The front is thinner but slowly filling in. It is grey with some blond. Once it's longer I'm coloring it. I am losing my eyebrows still. I use an eyebrow pencil to fill in where the brows are supposed to be. My eyelashes have thinned. When I put mascara on, they fall out. I know the hair is growing but I wish it would go faster. I also wish people would stop looking at me. I wish in conversations, people would stop asking, how are you? It's getting really old. I know people mean well but I'm trying to move on with my life. I'll not have thought about me,my looks, my future with cancer until a stranger says something, "your going through chemo" then I have to repeat my life story once again. I know I sound rude but sometimes I just like to retreat to my home where I can go hatless and just do my thing. I'm not becoming a recluse but I'm ready to do my thing without anyone giving me the extended look.
I might be grumpier then normal since I have a big task ahead of me for the local school. It's not like it's anything diffferent then someone who has to deal with projects at work but it's just starting to bother me. My neck is sore in the afternoons, I'm getting headaches now. I know it's not a sigh of anything to do with cancer, it's just stress. It will be over soon and I'll be passing the torch. Then I can start my life unattached to obligation.
I find it interesting the different paths cancer surveyors take. Some become big vocal advocates about breast cancer. Some people feel the need to climb Mt. Everest, run 6 marathons in a year, live a life that takes them to the edge. I'm still uncertain where or what I want me life to be after I finsih my treatments. Do I want to just cruise through life and enjoy every blissful moment or do I want to be busy event minute searching for things to do that can bring me to the brink of heart pounding excitement. You wonder sometimes,maybe I should conquer as much as I can because I don't know what news will come at the next dr.s appt.
Yes I know I'm venting. I'm frustrated and tired of being a cancer patient. I want to be normal again in my appearance.
Hair is finally growing back. The back of my head is getting really full so you don't see my head. The front is thinner but slowly filling in. It is grey with some blond. Once it's longer I'm coloring it. I am losing my eyebrows still. I use an eyebrow pencil to fill in where the brows are supposed to be. My eyelashes have thinned. When I put mascara on, they fall out. I know the hair is growing but I wish it would go faster. I also wish people would stop looking at me. I wish in conversations, people would stop asking, how are you? It's getting really old. I know people mean well but I'm trying to move on with my life. I'll not have thought about me,my looks, my future with cancer until a stranger says something, "your going through chemo" then I have to repeat my life story once again. I know I sound rude but sometimes I just like to retreat to my home where I can go hatless and just do my thing. I'm not becoming a recluse but I'm ready to do my thing without anyone giving me the extended look.
I might be grumpier then normal since I have a big task ahead of me for the local school. It's not like it's anything diffferent then someone who has to deal with projects at work but it's just starting to bother me. My neck is sore in the afternoons, I'm getting headaches now. I know it's not a sigh of anything to do with cancer, it's just stress. It will be over soon and I'll be passing the torch. Then I can start my life unattached to obligation.
I find it interesting the different paths cancer surveyors take. Some become big vocal advocates about breast cancer. Some people feel the need to climb Mt. Everest, run 6 marathons in a year, live a life that takes them to the edge. I'm still uncertain where or what I want me life to be after I finsih my treatments. Do I want to just cruise through life and enjoy every blissful moment or do I want to be busy event minute searching for things to do that can bring me to the brink of heart pounding excitement. You wonder sometimes,maybe I should conquer as much as I can because I don't know what news will come at the next dr.s appt.
Yes I know I'm venting. I'm frustrated and tired of being a cancer patient. I want to be normal again in my appearance.
October 1, 2011
On to the next step, reconstruction expanders out, saline implant in
So all has been good...I have not been wasting my days or weekends so again sorry about not posting I just have been busy!
I had my exchange surgery Tuesday, Sept 20th. Out patient surgery. Check in at 9:30, surgery at 11:30, out by 3:00 and home. So what did they do? I had my breast expanders taken out and replaced with the saline implant. I also had my port taken out......yea that means I AM DONE OFFICIALLY WITH CHEMO. I think it was more overwhelming knowing that port was coming out then doing the exchange surgery.
So, getting back to the subject. Saline implants are in. The incision that was made to get the implant in was a slice across the front of my breast, no upside down T. I have the clear plastic that covers the incision area. Coming straight out of surgery I had the clear surgical tape that covers the incision (2" by 2" plasticon each breast), the big gauze pads, my athletic bra, and then an ace bandage wrapped around me like a mummy snug. I called on Friday asking to change bras since this one was digging into my shoulders. Luckily the Dr. removed the outside ace bandage and the lose gauze pads. Still had to keep another compression bra on. Very little swelling or so it appears. On Friday they seemed slightly lopsided but by Monday, the size was even again. He filled me to 550cc...little bigger then what I want, actually alot bigger then what I want. His explanation is, radiation is coming. It creates scare tissue that contracts. The extra space that he creates with a larger implant now makes it easier to shape for the final implant I will get in about 6 months, silicone implants. I also know from experience last time, the saline implant went through radiation very well. I don't know if a silicone implant would do the same.
I'm a week and half out from surgery and doing really well. I have to remind myself not to lift heavy things, or pull stubborn weeds in the garden and just keep my arms and chest area "resting" for the healing process. I am still on antibiotics but I finish them in the next couple days. I will have the radiation mapping in a couple days and start radiation in a couple weeks. My goal is to get as healthy as I can before I head into radiation. Diet, exercise, rest.
I know I haven't written for a long time in my blog and who knows how current I will keep it. I just have moved beyond the very difficult part of my journey and I'm living again. I just don't have time to blog. I know when I was searching for women like me I would come across blogs that just ended. I always thought, oh my I hope they didn't have something horrible happen to them and they weren't allowed to continue blogging. I think now I know what happened, they discovered life again and like me, did not have alot of time to blog. They were getting on with life.
Believe me there are still so many thoughts that float through my head about various topics, the biggest is the fear of the cancer coming back somewhere in my body. Quite honestly, when I do think this, somewhere deep down inside me there is assurance, it's not. It's a sense of calm in my inner self that I know.
What I do know is coming back is my hair! August 11 was my last chemo and my head is covered with white baby hair. Still able to see the scalp but I think in about a week or two I might go without my cap in public, finally. I'm still losing eyebrows and my eyelashes are sparse. I used the latisse but all it did was make my existing eyelashes longer but didn't really help with the filling in.
So here I am 1/2 way time wise through the process but 3/4's of the way with the worst behind me. I'm happy other then dealing with 4 teenagers which would cause anyone grief. I have a major fundraising project that I head up for our local high school that I'm working on. It keeps me busy but luckily I have a co-chair who will be taking this over. After this event, I'm home free. What do I plan on doing? I plan on unpacking boxes from 3 1/2 years ago when we moved into this house, right after my 1st breast cancer diagnosis. It has taken me this long to do so because I held onto things I thought were important. I know now these things are not important and there's going to be alot of trips to the local Hospice thrift shop. It's time to declutter my life and focus on enjoying my life more because you never know what will happen tomorrow.
I had my exchange surgery Tuesday, Sept 20th. Out patient surgery. Check in at 9:30, surgery at 11:30, out by 3:00 and home. So what did they do? I had my breast expanders taken out and replaced with the saline implant. I also had my port taken out......yea that means I AM DONE OFFICIALLY WITH CHEMO. I think it was more overwhelming knowing that port was coming out then doing the exchange surgery.
So, getting back to the subject. Saline implants are in. The incision that was made to get the implant in was a slice across the front of my breast, no upside down T. I have the clear plastic that covers the incision area. Coming straight out of surgery I had the clear surgical tape that covers the incision (2" by 2" plasticon each breast), the big gauze pads, my athletic bra, and then an ace bandage wrapped around me like a mummy snug. I called on Friday asking to change bras since this one was digging into my shoulders. Luckily the Dr. removed the outside ace bandage and the lose gauze pads. Still had to keep another compression bra on. Very little swelling or so it appears. On Friday they seemed slightly lopsided but by Monday, the size was even again. He filled me to 550cc...little bigger then what I want, actually alot bigger then what I want. His explanation is, radiation is coming. It creates scare tissue that contracts. The extra space that he creates with a larger implant now makes it easier to shape for the final implant I will get in about 6 months, silicone implants. I also know from experience last time, the saline implant went through radiation very well. I don't know if a silicone implant would do the same.
I'm a week and half out from surgery and doing really well. I have to remind myself not to lift heavy things, or pull stubborn weeds in the garden and just keep my arms and chest area "resting" for the healing process. I am still on antibiotics but I finish them in the next couple days. I will have the radiation mapping in a couple days and start radiation in a couple weeks. My goal is to get as healthy as I can before I head into radiation. Diet, exercise, rest.
I know I haven't written for a long time in my blog and who knows how current I will keep it. I just have moved beyond the very difficult part of my journey and I'm living again. I just don't have time to blog. I know when I was searching for women like me I would come across blogs that just ended. I always thought, oh my I hope they didn't have something horrible happen to them and they weren't allowed to continue blogging. I think now I know what happened, they discovered life again and like me, did not have alot of time to blog. They were getting on with life.
Believe me there are still so many thoughts that float through my head about various topics, the biggest is the fear of the cancer coming back somewhere in my body. Quite honestly, when I do think this, somewhere deep down inside me there is assurance, it's not. It's a sense of calm in my inner self that I know.
What I do know is coming back is my hair! August 11 was my last chemo and my head is covered with white baby hair. Still able to see the scalp but I think in about a week or two I might go without my cap in public, finally. I'm still losing eyebrows and my eyelashes are sparse. I used the latisse but all it did was make my existing eyelashes longer but didn't really help with the filling in.
So here I am 1/2 way time wise through the process but 3/4's of the way with the worst behind me. I'm happy other then dealing with 4 teenagers which would cause anyone grief. I have a major fundraising project that I head up for our local high school that I'm working on. It keeps me busy but luckily I have a co-chair who will be taking this over. After this event, I'm home free. What do I plan on doing? I plan on unpacking boxes from 3 1/2 years ago when we moved into this house, right after my 1st breast cancer diagnosis. It has taken me this long to do so because I held onto things I thought were important. I know now these things are not important and there's going to be alot of trips to the local Hospice thrift shop. It's time to declutter my life and focus on enjoying my life more because you never know what will happen tomorrow.
September 5, 2011
My apologies for lack of posting-I feel good and I'm not wasting the feel good time!
It is Sept 5, 2011. My last chemo was August 11. It was very difficult to recover after that last chemo. It took me about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks to get back to feeling normal. It was not a good thing, at all. Even now, if it is very hot and I don't watch myself I find myself getting nauseated or having stomach problems.
NowI feel great! I have not wasted a day....OK I take that back. I did spend 1 day doing nothing and I enjoyed every minute of doing noting all day and feeling physically good doing it. I have made a vow to not waste a day of my life going forward. What I mean by that is, I will notice something about my surroundings, say something nice to a stranger, exercise, eat good and healthy food, learn something new and on the weekends, just do something other then sitting at home worrying about the house being messy or things that need to get done. I will keep a positive attitude-even though I have 4 teenagers-very difficult to stay positive with all that goes on with 4 teens.
So, what have I been doing? I moved my daughter into her college dorm room, I've shopped with her to get supplies to decorate her room. We have daydreamed about the places she will go with her team and for her year abroad (in a year). I've been busy in my garden. It's been on auto pilot this year but I'm picking beans, blackberrys, raspberrys, egg plants, kale, chard, parsley, tomatillos, and the tomatoes are coming. I've been cooking home made chili verde, sauteed green beans, juicing our veggies, berry cobbler (for the kids-not me). Frank and I are truly enjoying our time together with me healthy. He has taken the same thought. We are not wasting a day. Sometimes it will include our kids but more so, it is just the 2 of us or with friends. Our kids right now really only care about themselves. They want to hang with their friends. That's their most important thing and that's OK with us. We spend our time with them but now that they are older, Frank and I can spend the day together and not feel guilty about leaving the kids. We have been to Inverness and stayed at our favorite place, Manka's. We have been to Tomales Bay Oyster Co. and purchased oysters and had a feast! We have been to Marin and hiked and hiked. We are trying restaurants we have said "we should" and now we are. There is no reason not to. Why all this stuff we are doing? My time is limited....
My next phase of this journey is September 20. I will have my exchange surgery. My expanders come out and the saline implants are put in. One week after surgery I go for my radiation mapping and then 1-2 weeks after I start radiation, every day M-F for 28 days. You know cancer takes a break on the weekends and holidays....OK not humorous. I should finish radiation Nov 24, the day before Thanksgiving. Boy will I have a lot to be thankful for!
So until next week, goodbye. I need to help Frank in the kitchen with our fish tacos....enjoy yourself because you never know what tomorrow will bring you.
NowI feel great! I have not wasted a day....OK I take that back. I did spend 1 day doing nothing and I enjoyed every minute of doing noting all day and feeling physically good doing it. I have made a vow to not waste a day of my life going forward. What I mean by that is, I will notice something about my surroundings, say something nice to a stranger, exercise, eat good and healthy food, learn something new and on the weekends, just do something other then sitting at home worrying about the house being messy or things that need to get done. I will keep a positive attitude-even though I have 4 teenagers-very difficult to stay positive with all that goes on with 4 teens.
So, what have I been doing? I moved my daughter into her college dorm room, I've shopped with her to get supplies to decorate her room. We have daydreamed about the places she will go with her team and for her year abroad (in a year). I've been busy in my garden. It's been on auto pilot this year but I'm picking beans, blackberrys, raspberrys, egg plants, kale, chard, parsley, tomatillos, and the tomatoes are coming. I've been cooking home made chili verde, sauteed green beans, juicing our veggies, berry cobbler (for the kids-not me). Frank and I are truly enjoying our time together with me healthy. He has taken the same thought. We are not wasting a day. Sometimes it will include our kids but more so, it is just the 2 of us or with friends. Our kids right now really only care about themselves. They want to hang with their friends. That's their most important thing and that's OK with us. We spend our time with them but now that they are older, Frank and I can spend the day together and not feel guilty about leaving the kids. We have been to Inverness and stayed at our favorite place, Manka's. We have been to Tomales Bay Oyster Co. and purchased oysters and had a feast! We have been to Marin and hiked and hiked. We are trying restaurants we have said "we should" and now we are. There is no reason not to. Why all this stuff we are doing? My time is limited....
My next phase of this journey is September 20. I will have my exchange surgery. My expanders come out and the saline implants are put in. One week after surgery I go for my radiation mapping and then 1-2 weeks after I start radiation, every day M-F for 28 days. You know cancer takes a break on the weekends and holidays....OK not humorous. I should finish radiation Nov 24, the day before Thanksgiving. Boy will I have a lot to be thankful for!
So until next week, goodbye. I need to help Frank in the kitchen with our fish tacos....enjoy yourself because you never know what tomorrow will bring you.
August 13, 2011
My last chemo..MY LAST CHEMO!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT...MY LAST CHEMO!!!
Let me start out, Frank never posts anything to fb. He hates it. He thinks it is a waste of time. He is amused with me that I have my friends and I watch what everyone is doing....I like it. It keeps me in touch with frineds when I don't have a chance to talk to them. So that being said....and with the help of our 12 year old he posted this on my wall.
**********
I have never posted a comment on Facebook but there are accomplishments that deserve to be recognized. Sandy (the love of my life as you all know) has completed sixteen weeks of chemotherapy with an incredible positive attitude, strength, patience and grace that I can’t begin to appreciate or understand. Throughout this scary mental and physically painful process she has kept her sense of humor and a constant positive attitude knowing that there are many others that have gone before her and always thinking – it could be worse. She continues to create a supportive loving environment for our family, life goes on with four kids and teenagers don’t always fully understand the realities and challenges of life. Through her blog (which I have not read) she is reaching out to women around the world sharing her experiences with breast cancer from both a medical and emotional point of view.
You inspire me to be better – I love you very much!
*********
I was speechless. Chemo has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. Yes, the mastectomy was pretty bad but managable. The chemo was different. A challenge that at times I wanted to give up because my quality of life just was awful. All you could do was just roll over, take another pain killer or nauesa med but slowly, day by day, you get better and you snap out of it. On my last infusion for AC, just looking at my book bag I brought to infusion or the drive to the Dr.'s office brought nausea to me. That's how bad it became.
So, I am done, let me rewrite that with some more emotion.....
I AM DONE WITH CHEMO AUGUST 11, 2011!
now let me stand on top of a mountain and yell...
I AM DONE WITH CHEMO
and you know what....you will finish like me, don't worry.
**********
I have never posted a comment on Facebook but there are accomplishments that deserve to be recognized. Sandy (the love of my life as you all know) has completed sixteen weeks of chemotherapy with an incredible positive attitude, strength, patience and grace that I can’t begin to appreciate or understand. Throughout this scary mental and physically painful process she has kept her sense of humor and a constant positive attitude knowing that there are many others that have gone before her and always thinking – it could be worse. She continues to create a supportive loving environment for our family, life goes on with four kids and teenagers don’t always fully understand the realities and challenges of life. Through her blog (which I have not read) she is reaching out to women around the world sharing her experiences with breast cancer from both a medical and emotional point of view.
You inspire me to be better – I love you very much!
*********
I was speechless. Chemo has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. Yes, the mastectomy was pretty bad but managable. The chemo was different. A challenge that at times I wanted to give up because my quality of life just was awful. All you could do was just roll over, take another pain killer or nauesa med but slowly, day by day, you get better and you snap out of it. On my last infusion for AC, just looking at my book bag I brought to infusion or the drive to the Dr.'s office brought nausea to me. That's how bad it became.
So, I am done, let me rewrite that with some more emotion.....
I AM DONE WITH CHEMO AUGUST 11, 2011!
now let me stand on top of a mountain and yell...
I AM DONE WITH CHEMO
and you know what....you will finish like me, don't worry.
Chemo drug shortage-BE CONCERNED AND ASK YOUR DR!
So, you may have heard this nasty gossip, there is a shortage of chemo drugs as well as other drugs like antibiotics and anesthesia. From what I can gather it is primarily in the US and Canada this is occurring but could have an impact world wide. Simplistic explanation is the pharmaceutical companies don't seem to make enough money on them so they decrease production or stop production. A number of years ago there was legislation where the intent for generic drugs was so that everyone could afford whatever drug that was needed to cure their issue. The problem has become that the generic drugs are not supporting themselves. The costs involved to keep these drugs in productivity exceeded the price sold or profit margins were so slim. The name brand drugs still are produced continue to create a large profit but insurance companies refuse to pay for these more expensive drugs and will only cover generic drugs. A nasty cycle and the loser is the patient. That loser is anyone you know who is fighting cancer and that happened to be me on my last infusion on Thursday 8/11/11.
Never thought this would affect me but it did. My last infusion, there was no Taxol to be had. I had to take a cousin of it for me to complete my regime on time. I was offered to put off my infusion for a week or two but there was no way I was going to do that. Why risk it not being there. What I suspect could have happened was, my dose was given to someone else who was just starting their regime. Me, being weakened already, the cousin medicine would work just as effective on me. So now the decision of who gets the medicine or not is determined by the Dr. and how well he/she can ration what they have.
So think about it, what is the moral obligation of a pharmaceutical company to continue to provide life saving medicines that are losing money or not generating profits that meet their goals? Well, there is nothing other then their sense of morals. No one can force a company to make a drug even though it saves lives. That is a scary thought. I am for free enterprise but this almost seems to have a sense of darkness to it or maybe a tinge of blackmail....."I'll make this drug if you (FDA) do this for me" There is legislation going forward now that the goal is to have the pharmaceutical companies notify the FDA of a possible shortage well before it happens so the FDA can work with other companies to fill the void. Will this concept work? Maybe, but it still is based on the all mighty dollar and where a profit can be made. What happens if all the other companies don't want to pick up the slack?
So this goes back to the insurance companies now. Would this be such a big problem if they covered all prescribed drugs, generic and name brand? What needs to be done is a revision of the The Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement and Modernization Act of 2003. Read about it in the 2nd article below. This would allow a more level playing ground for these drugs. This Act was a good idea but it's time has come. It needs to go or be radically modified. Less government intervention on pricing and your basic economy class in college comes into play. People are willing to pay a high price to get what they want (name brand drugs) but at some price point, they don't. This holds the pricing down on these drugs. As for the generic, same thing. People (or in this case insurance companies) are willing to pay a certain price and whoever can produce the drug at the least cost or lowest profit margin sells more. Profit margin smaller/lower price=sells more. Higher price/greater profit margin/sells less. Take your pick...which business scenario do you want?
Here are a few links to the current concern. How are they going to fix the supply? Well, their not for quite a while. So be forewarned...ask your Dr. will this shortage have an impact on your regime.
Huffington Post Article Explains the basis of the shortage.
Article that explains how government's best intentions have caused this shortage of drugs
Never thought this would affect me but it did. My last infusion, there was no Taxol to be had. I had to take a cousin of it for me to complete my regime on time. I was offered to put off my infusion for a week or two but there was no way I was going to do that. Why risk it not being there. What I suspect could have happened was, my dose was given to someone else who was just starting their regime. Me, being weakened already, the cousin medicine would work just as effective on me. So now the decision of who gets the medicine or not is determined by the Dr. and how well he/she can ration what they have.
So think about it, what is the moral obligation of a pharmaceutical company to continue to provide life saving medicines that are losing money or not generating profits that meet their goals? Well, there is nothing other then their sense of morals. No one can force a company to make a drug even though it saves lives. That is a scary thought. I am for free enterprise but this almost seems to have a sense of darkness to it or maybe a tinge of blackmail....."I'll make this drug if you (FDA) do this for me" There is legislation going forward now that the goal is to have the pharmaceutical companies notify the FDA of a possible shortage well before it happens so the FDA can work with other companies to fill the void. Will this concept work? Maybe, but it still is based on the all mighty dollar and where a profit can be made. What happens if all the other companies don't want to pick up the slack?
So this goes back to the insurance companies now. Would this be such a big problem if they covered all prescribed drugs, generic and name brand? What needs to be done is a revision of the The Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement and Modernization Act of 2003. Read about it in the 2nd article below. This would allow a more level playing ground for these drugs. This Act was a good idea but it's time has come. It needs to go or be radically modified. Less government intervention on pricing and your basic economy class in college comes into play. People are willing to pay a high price to get what they want (name brand drugs) but at some price point, they don't. This holds the pricing down on these drugs. As for the generic, same thing. People (or in this case insurance companies) are willing to pay a certain price and whoever can produce the drug at the least cost or lowest profit margin sells more. Profit margin smaller/lower price=sells more. Higher price/greater profit margin/sells less. Take your pick...which business scenario do you want?
Here are a few links to the current concern. How are they going to fix the supply? Well, their not for quite a while. So be forewarned...ask your Dr. will this shortage have an impact on your regime.
Huffington Post Article Explains the basis of the shortage.
Article that explains how government's best intentions have caused this shortage of drugs
August 5, 2011
one more chemo...one more chemo...
One more chemo. That's all I tell myself. When I get aches and pains, or I get
aches in my stomach or pelvis area, or the hot flashes, I remind myself the worst of it is behind me. I have one more chemo, radiation (28 days/m-f), exchange surgery from expanders to saline implant, exchange surgery from saline to silicone, nipple reconstruction surgery, and finally the tattooing of the aereola. At least I think that's the order. If all goes right maybe I'll be done in Dec.
I do finally feel the cumulative side effects of all the chemos. I am weaker. I
have a fatigue that won't go away. I'm grouchy more because I snap at Frank. We never fight except when he drives ( he drives like a madman but as he points out, he hasn't been in any accidents- Nevermind the trail of destruction behind him)
I know I am getting physically weaker because I feel it at my Pilates class.
During the first regime I could feel my strength improving. The regime caused
nausea and overall yucky feeling for the few days after but then I was done.
This regime lingers with fatigue. Things I was able to do in class a month a go
are a struggle to do and I haven't missed a class, well I've rearranged them
sometimes when I haven't felt well enough to go.The AC regime I found myself hungry or craving things when the nausea would pass. This regime has shut off my desire to eat. I have to force myself to eat. Nothing at times seems appealing and it's not because of nausea. I just don't feel like eating. So when I don't eat, I get sick. Crazy cycle.
You would think if I was fatigued I'd be sleeping all the time but I'm not. I
just don't feel like doing anything but laying down. The afternoons are the
worst. If I do a big adventure in the morning I am physically feeling sick in the late afternoon. Trying to keep up with the hydration also since I forget to keep drinking water. So I need to plan my days and get as much as I can get done in the mornings since I know I will be feeling not so great in the afternoon.
My hair is very slowly coming back but it's not really hair. It's fuzz here and
there. I have started to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes-go figure! I seem to
have a half brow on my right side and a very sparse brow on the left. My eye
lashes have thinned out also. I can tell when I put on mascara. I am calling the plastic surgeon to get started on Latisse. It makes your eyelashes longer and thick. It is used for chemo patients as well but it is not covered by insurance. It is thought of as a cosmetic procedure.
Funniest thing! We went as a family hot airballooning-up at 4:00am....talk about not feeling good in the afternoon, I was a zombie by noon. Part of the package they do is take pics of you in the balloon as it lifts off. Well we had to share the basket with a family from England. So as we were lifting off the photographer is snapping away and I was thinking he was taking pics of just our family so I whipped my hat off figuring what the hell maybe we will use this as our Xmas card. Well once we viewed the pics it included the other family. Imagine their surprise seeing all of us complete with the bald lady. Classic submission to Awkward Family Pictures! don't think they purchased that photo as a memory Keeper.
So, one more chemo...one more chemo....
July 19, 2011
Sharing my secrets.
A few friends have asked, what does Frank (my husband) think of my blog? Well, he knows I have a blog but I have not shared it with him. Some people may think it is strange that I haven't but maybe one day I will, just right now is not the right time. He is under a lot of stress and having him read my blog, sometimes depressing at times, is not going to help him. I share my thoughts verbally with him but I do hold back because I worry about him. I worry that if something happened to him, like a heart attack, I simply would be lost. I need his support to get me through this time in my life. He has his worries....for goodness sake we have 4 kids to put through college! I don't want to over burden him. I can handle my situation. It is a true test of our relationship and love. This has made everything about us stronger. We realize we can't worry about the small stuff because life is too precious. We just need to get through this and move on.
My kids know I have a blog also. The only ones who have expressed an interest is my oldest daughter and my youngest son Brock. It's not that Grant and Maren don't care, they just don't think it's a big deal. Alex (who is 18) realizes there are things I post that I have not told her. She is curious and I would not be surprised if she is reading this. After all what happens to me will affect her and her life, decisions she makes. She is older and understands this. She also realizes that breast cancer can kill. We had a mom in the neighborhood who died from breast cancer. Alex was very young when this happened but it still had an impact on her life. I have tried to be as honest and up front with Alex about everything that has happened to me. I do try to keep the fear away from her and I don't speculate. I give her facts. I probably did something about a week ago that may be very controversial with people, but I showed her my reconstructed breasts.
All my kids have a habit of coming into our room like it's their room. They knock and walk in. I had just stepped out of the shower and had just put on my underwear when I heard Alex coming around the corner into my bathroom. I had enough time to throw my hands over my "breasts" or my expanders. We just stood there looking at each other. Awkward few seconds. I finally said to her, "are you curious as to what I look like?" She said, yes. I asked her if she wanted to see what I looked like. She said yes. It was that moment I made the decision to show my daughter my reconstructed breasts, scars and all. I remember when I was in my late 20's and I saw the photo's in a Life magazine of women who had mastectomy's, it terrified me. The pictures were of grossly deformed skin that had been twisted with huge scars running across once where breasts were. I think these images made me fear the thought of having a mastectomy.
I feel the reconstruction that I have had up to this point is very good. Much less shocking then the images I saw in the magazine. I asked Alex again, are you sure you want to see what I look like. She reassured me again, yes. I slowly took my hands off my breasts and watched her face. Her reaction that I was hoping for was... nothing. She said they look normal except for the scars and you don't have a nipple. I tried to read her face but she seemed fine. I just hope this image is something that if she ever has to come to the decision of having a mastectomy, she will be OK with it. Once I am completely done I will show her once again, just to reassure her I am normal and if she ever has to make a decision to have a mastectomy she could look like me, as she says, normal.
My kids know I have a blog also. The only ones who have expressed an interest is my oldest daughter and my youngest son Brock. It's not that Grant and Maren don't care, they just don't think it's a big deal. Alex (who is 18) realizes there are things I post that I have not told her. She is curious and I would not be surprised if she is reading this. After all what happens to me will affect her and her life, decisions she makes. She is older and understands this. She also realizes that breast cancer can kill. We had a mom in the neighborhood who died from breast cancer. Alex was very young when this happened but it still had an impact on her life. I have tried to be as honest and up front with Alex about everything that has happened to me. I do try to keep the fear away from her and I don't speculate. I give her facts. I probably did something about a week ago that may be very controversial with people, but I showed her my reconstructed breasts.
All my kids have a habit of coming into our room like it's their room. They knock and walk in. I had just stepped out of the shower and had just put on my underwear when I heard Alex coming around the corner into my bathroom. I had enough time to throw my hands over my "breasts" or my expanders. We just stood there looking at each other. Awkward few seconds. I finally said to her, "are you curious as to what I look like?" She said, yes. I asked her if she wanted to see what I looked like. She said yes. It was that moment I made the decision to show my daughter my reconstructed breasts, scars and all. I remember when I was in my late 20's and I saw the photo's in a Life magazine of women who had mastectomy's, it terrified me. The pictures were of grossly deformed skin that had been twisted with huge scars running across once where breasts were. I think these images made me fear the thought of having a mastectomy.
I feel the reconstruction that I have had up to this point is very good. Much less shocking then the images I saw in the magazine. I asked Alex again, are you sure you want to see what I look like. She reassured me again, yes. I slowly took my hands off my breasts and watched her face. Her reaction that I was hoping for was... nothing. She said they look normal except for the scars and you don't have a nipple. I tried to read her face but she seemed fine. I just hope this image is something that if she ever has to come to the decision of having a mastectomy, she will be OK with it. Once I am completely done I will show her once again, just to reassure her I am normal and if she ever has to make a decision to have a mastectomy she could look like me, as she says, normal.
Adriamycin Cytoxan-My Summary after completing this regime.
June 16th, 2011 I had my last infusion of my 1st regime, Adriamycin Cytoxan. People were telling me it has cumulative side effects. Well I do think they were right. One whole week out I finally felt good. I was fighting nausea all the way out to a week from infusion. I tried various combinations but I could not get a handle on the nausea. Finally put a call into my nurse at the oncologists office. Her recommendation which I think was right, dehydration. We had some scorching 100 degree days. I was trying to keep up drinking water but I was beginning to hate the taste of water. I broke down and bought some Gatoraid drinks. Surprisingly it helped. Is this the answer to fighting the nausea? No, but dehydration can hinder your progress. After hydrating with electrolytes, the nausea finally disappeared 1 week from the infusion. There was some aches in my shoulders and neck so wondering if that is a side effect of the Neulasta shot I got on the Friday after. Took my Clariten D to see if that would help but it also seemed to have a cumulative effect.
So, to help you if your someone who is going to be doing this regimen, I am going to list the different side effects and how I dealt with them. I know I mentioned in early blogs what meds I was taking but I think that was all experimental and just trying to figure it out. Now that I'm done, I have a better idea of what has happened to me and what I did to cope with the side effects. As always, talk with your Dr. about specific questions about your care.
So, here we go..... hair... well I still do have some, shaved but I did not lose all my hair. It feels like my head is wet but it's just that I can feel the temperature change very easily. The hair is still growing Mohawk style on the head but I have lost my hair on my head everywhere else. I have my eyebrows which are really thinning. All that is left are the burly brows you normally have plucked or trimmed but it is something! Still have my eyelashes but they too have thinned. Really weird but I have the hair on my arms. It is very fine blond hair but I did not lose it. Shaving my legs once to twice a week but it again never really stopped growing but simply slowed. The hair "down there" has really thinned out, I mean really. Haha who knew I would be sharing something so intimate with the world! I have to laugh to myself because that was one of my questions when I started all this, do I lose my hair "down there"? Some of the silly things that your concerned about. It is a new look for me ;-)
The nurses had said you will lose your hair after the 2nd AC infusion. I started the process of cutting my hair shorter to prepare my 4 kids to what was coming. A day after the 2nd infusion I buzz shaved my head. I was shedding like a cat but still had hair. Shortly after, I shaved it off. The tiny hairs were itchy for me. I think if I had not done this and left it long, there would be an endless pieces of hair on my shoulders coming out. In the end it did seem as if I lost all my hair on the sides of my head but not the top. As of now, 1 week after my first Taxol infusion, my hair is growing back.....very slowly.
I have been neglecting my homeopathic items. Trying my best but the thought just makes me wousy. I do have to say, after every chemo I would have problems with my throat. I started putting the caster oil on my throat before bed and it really seems to help. Weird. I've been trying to drink the veggie juice but again the thought makes me nausea. Do I think the homeopathic meds helped me? I really don't know. It is such an unchartered area that I do take some vitamins but other things I have stopped.
Eyes. My eyes are watery in the morning. Have no idea why but it is at it's worst in the morning or if it becomes really bright outside. When I do cry, which is not too often now, my tears just flow. They feel different. Can't explain it but it's like the flow is faster.
Constipation. If someone would have just warned me more about how bad it gets, especially with all the nausea meds. It has caused some severe issues with hemorrhoids. Not a pleasant subject but someone has to put the info out there. If I can help someone through this symptom, great. My advice take stool softeners starting a couple days before the infusion. Once the meds hit you, you have a head start on keeping your system moving. Your body will have a difficult time of it trying to heal once you have the hemorrhoids. If it gets really bad, I used Milk of Magnisum. That got the pipes moving.
Nausea. I started meds a couple days ahead of the infusion. First med was the Ativan. Day of I would get infusion of various neuas meds one being Emend. As soon as I got home I started the Ondansetron for nausea as well. I would take each morning my Emend for 2 days after the infusion. The whole time I would continue the parade of nausea meds; Ativan and Ondansetron. All of these kept the nausea under control. I continued all these through until Sunday night then I would wean myself one by one from them (the Emend was only used the 2 days after the infusion). I still use the Ativan to help me sleep at night. I did try the ginger and ginger ale but the taste just made me feel sick.
Bone Pain/Neulasta. I would receive the Neulasta shot the day after the infusion. It was suggested by the oncologist to take Clariten D to help with the bone pain. Again I would start a day or two ahead of infusion so the meds were already absorbed in my body. It seemed to help but I still did get achy starting on Friday night. The aches would last until Sunday night but each infusion the aches lasted longer.
Mouth Sores. I did get a couple but I gurgled with salt water and/or the Biotene mouthwash. I was very careful right before and after infusion about the types of food I ate. No citric acid or any other foods that could irritate my mouth. This was not a problem for me.
Sore throat/hurting ears. My throat about 36 hours after infusion would hurt like a sore throat. It would then move into my ears like an ear ache. The oncologist suggested using Musinex to help drain the fluid from my ears. I used it a couple times and it seemed to help. I also used the Casper Oil at night. I would rub it on my throat and under my ears. Really weird but it was cleared up the next day.
Sores/scratches that don't heal. This was a problem. I would get ingrown hairs on my legs since my hair was growing at such a slow pace. When I would notice a scratch or ingrown hair I would use Neosporin to help my body fight the infection. Again, nothing serious developed.
Depression. Well yea...your taking chemo to fight off a cancer reoccurance. Is it depressing? Yes. I did try to keep myself happy with positive attitude and joked around alot but sometimes it's just too much to handle and you break down. You have a good cry or I should say, you sob because your scared and overwhelmed about what might and is happening to you. Let it out, is all I can say. It helps. If you reach a point where you can not pull yourself out of the depression, seek help. There are many support groups to help you. Your local hospital or American Cancer Society is probably a good starting point.
Chemo Brain. This is a tricky one. Those of my friends know I am just a scattered kinda person. Have I noticed a change? Yes. Especially when I read my blogs. I am missing words or my writings don't make sense. I have always forgotten things; car keys, where I put my purse, etc so I don't know if it is chemo brain. I do "words with friends" with strangers to help keep me attentive. I also keep score at the water polo games. I find if I keep "the book" as it is called, it also helps me. Things happen so fast in the game of waterpolo that you have to pay attention when you record the events; cap numbers, times, team color, goals, fouls, exclusions, etc. I don't do the official book but I keep my own version.
People ask, what does chemo feel like? Well, it feels like your worst hangover coupled with your worst flu. My first infusion was the worst. Second much better, Third was harder to come back to life and the last regime just took forever to feel better again. The side effects last a few days after infusion and then your normal. You do tire much easier but try to keep your exercise up. It seems to help. Food aversions are a lot stronger but your body just guides you. All I can say is, you can do it. Think positive.
So, to help you if your someone who is going to be doing this regimen, I am going to list the different side effects and how I dealt with them. I know I mentioned in early blogs what meds I was taking but I think that was all experimental and just trying to figure it out. Now that I'm done, I have a better idea of what has happened to me and what I did to cope with the side effects. As always, talk with your Dr. about specific questions about your care.
So, here we go..... hair... well I still do have some, shaved but I did not lose all my hair. It feels like my head is wet but it's just that I can feel the temperature change very easily. The hair is still growing Mohawk style on the head but I have lost my hair on my head everywhere else. I have my eyebrows which are really thinning. All that is left are the burly brows you normally have plucked or trimmed but it is something! Still have my eyelashes but they too have thinned. Really weird but I have the hair on my arms. It is very fine blond hair but I did not lose it. Shaving my legs once to twice a week but it again never really stopped growing but simply slowed. The hair "down there" has really thinned out, I mean really. Haha who knew I would be sharing something so intimate with the world! I have to laugh to myself because that was one of my questions when I started all this, do I lose my hair "down there"? Some of the silly things that your concerned about. It is a new look for me ;-)
The nurses had said you will lose your hair after the 2nd AC infusion. I started the process of cutting my hair shorter to prepare my 4 kids to what was coming. A day after the 2nd infusion I buzz shaved my head. I was shedding like a cat but still had hair. Shortly after, I shaved it off. The tiny hairs were itchy for me. I think if I had not done this and left it long, there would be an endless pieces of hair on my shoulders coming out. In the end it did seem as if I lost all my hair on the sides of my head but not the top. As of now, 1 week after my first Taxol infusion, my hair is growing back.....very slowly.
I have been neglecting my homeopathic items. Trying my best but the thought just makes me wousy. I do have to say, after every chemo I would have problems with my throat. I started putting the caster oil on my throat before bed and it really seems to help. Weird. I've been trying to drink the veggie juice but again the thought makes me nausea. Do I think the homeopathic meds helped me? I really don't know. It is such an unchartered area that I do take some vitamins but other things I have stopped.
Eyes. My eyes are watery in the morning. Have no idea why but it is at it's worst in the morning or if it becomes really bright outside. When I do cry, which is not too often now, my tears just flow. They feel different. Can't explain it but it's like the flow is faster.
Constipation. If someone would have just warned me more about how bad it gets, especially with all the nausea meds. It has caused some severe issues with hemorrhoids. Not a pleasant subject but someone has to put the info out there. If I can help someone through this symptom, great. My advice take stool softeners starting a couple days before the infusion. Once the meds hit you, you have a head start on keeping your system moving. Your body will have a difficult time of it trying to heal once you have the hemorrhoids. If it gets really bad, I used Milk of Magnisum. That got the pipes moving.
Nausea. I started meds a couple days ahead of the infusion. First med was the Ativan. Day of I would get infusion of various neuas meds one being Emend. As soon as I got home I started the Ondansetron for nausea as well. I would take each morning my Emend for 2 days after the infusion. The whole time I would continue the parade of nausea meds; Ativan and Ondansetron. All of these kept the nausea under control. I continued all these through until Sunday night then I would wean myself one by one from them (the Emend was only used the 2 days after the infusion). I still use the Ativan to help me sleep at night. I did try the ginger and ginger ale but the taste just made me feel sick.
Bone Pain/Neulasta. I would receive the Neulasta shot the day after the infusion. It was suggested by the oncologist to take Clariten D to help with the bone pain. Again I would start a day or two ahead of infusion so the meds were already absorbed in my body. It seemed to help but I still did get achy starting on Friday night. The aches would last until Sunday night but each infusion the aches lasted longer.
Mouth Sores. I did get a couple but I gurgled with salt water and/or the Biotene mouthwash. I was very careful right before and after infusion about the types of food I ate. No citric acid or any other foods that could irritate my mouth. This was not a problem for me.
Sore throat/hurting ears. My throat about 36 hours after infusion would hurt like a sore throat. It would then move into my ears like an ear ache. The oncologist suggested using Musinex to help drain the fluid from my ears. I used it a couple times and it seemed to help. I also used the Casper Oil at night. I would rub it on my throat and under my ears. Really weird but it was cleared up the next day.
Sores/scratches that don't heal. This was a problem. I would get ingrown hairs on my legs since my hair was growing at such a slow pace. When I would notice a scratch or ingrown hair I would use Neosporin to help my body fight the infection. Again, nothing serious developed.
Depression. Well yea...your taking chemo to fight off a cancer reoccurance. Is it depressing? Yes. I did try to keep myself happy with positive attitude and joked around alot but sometimes it's just too much to handle and you break down. You have a good cry or I should say, you sob because your scared and overwhelmed about what might and is happening to you. Let it out, is all I can say. It helps. If you reach a point where you can not pull yourself out of the depression, seek help. There are many support groups to help you. Your local hospital or American Cancer Society is probably a good starting point.
Chemo Brain. This is a tricky one. Those of my friends know I am just a scattered kinda person. Have I noticed a change? Yes. Especially when I read my blogs. I am missing words or my writings don't make sense. I have always forgotten things; car keys, where I put my purse, etc so I don't know if it is chemo brain. I do "words with friends" with strangers to help keep me attentive. I also keep score at the water polo games. I find if I keep "the book" as it is called, it also helps me. Things happen so fast in the game of waterpolo that you have to pay attention when you record the events; cap numbers, times, team color, goals, fouls, exclusions, etc. I don't do the official book but I keep my own version.
People ask, what does chemo feel like? Well, it feels like your worst hangover coupled with your worst flu. My first infusion was the worst. Second much better, Third was harder to come back to life and the last regime just took forever to feel better again. The side effects last a few days after infusion and then your normal. You do tire much easier but try to keep your exercise up. It seems to help. Food aversions are a lot stronger but your body just guides you. All I can say is, you can do it. Think positive.
July 17, 2011
Taxol #2, You are so much more friendlier on our 2nd date!
Hmmm, where did I leave off? Hysterectomy, fibroids, ovaries? I received a call confirming that I had fibroids in my uterus. Something that many women have but never know since they really don't do anything unless they grow. When they grow is when there are concerns. Fibroids can cause heavy bleeding during your period. They can also cause severe cramping. So lucky me, during this journey I have developed fibroids. F*ck! One more thing...add it to my gall stones. My OBGYN suggested I get a hysterectomy and while at it, remove my ovaries too.
Well you know me, research, research, research. There are 2 options: a hysterectomy and removal of the fibroids, called myomectomy. The removal of the uterus, a hysterectomy, I can do and seems as if there are little side effects other then the surgery itself. Then again, the surgery is minimally invasive unlike years before. Please see my link above for more info. There are a few different ways your uterus can be removed. I keep envisioning the small doorway and the piece of furniture that's too big and can't fit through, you just keep banging it against the frame....how do they remove your uterus if they don't slice you open? It is done using a procedure called laparoscopy . Anyway...check the links for more info. This is a topic I will cover at a later time because there is a much greater decision involved, removal of the ovaries and reduction of estrogen. Isn't that what we want? Yes, but it may come at a cost to me later in life, heart issues, bone loss, increased chance of demenia all because of the abrupt removal of estrogen from my body.
I spoke with Dr. Gottlieb (my breast cancer Dr.) about all this. He had mentioned months ago there was a possibility that I could make the decision to remove my ovaries. The whole purpose is to reduce the estrogen in my body since the breast cancer cells feed off of the estrogen. He said this is something for me to consider but right now I needed to get through chemo, then radiation. At the end of that is when I should consider the procedure. Just a reminder...I still have my reconstruction surgery ahead of me too. So, this is not a decision I'm going to worry myself with right now. There really is nothing we can now since I'm in the middle of chemo. I need to be consistent with the treatments to provide the best benefit for me.
So, what was causing this intense abdominal/unterian pain during my first Taxol? This is the speculation from my oncologist. First off, I was the 1st patient of his that ever had these type of side effects I explained to him-lucky me. What he suspects is that my body may have been about to start my menstrual cycle. I have not had a period for years since I had an abalation of my uterus a few years ago to lessen my heavy periods. Once I had this procedure, I really had no period and could never tell if I had one. Anyway, the Dr. thinks my body was going through the actions of having a period when the Taxol was administered. Taxol can cause muscle ache and since my uterus is a large muscle and was "trying" to create my period, the Taxol zeroed in on my uterus, causing the labor like pains I felt all weekend. One week after the infusion, I did have menstrual spotting for a couple hours and then I was done. This was the first time in years I had any indication of a period. So is the Dr. right? I don't know but I am on my 2nd infusion and I have no uterine pain.
So. here we are, my 2nd infusion of Taxol. Can I say, what a difference! I am functioning. I received my infusion Thursday am. Thursday afternoon I tend to nap since I have the Benadryl in me still. Thursday night I spent awake I think because of the steroids. Felt pretty good all day Friday, even had friends over on Friday night. A few aches and pains but that was it. No nausea, thank goodness. I have been continuing the Clariten D for the Neulesta shot ( which I now receive on Thursday). I take Advil for the muscle cramping. I still take the Ativan to help with any nausea that might be hiding and to help keep me relaxed. I also continue to take the vitamins, L-Glutamine, and all the other stuff. Taxol is very tolerable. Much better then the AC. It is Sunday morning and I have a lot of aches and pains, mainly in my pelvis. I spent a restless night with hot flashes and some aches. I have a headache that comes and goes but overall it is tolerable. I don't feel like heading out to any parties and spending the time shopping with my daughter (college dorm shopping is right around the corner) but I'm good. I just want to stay close to home in case I want to lay down. Here's the scary thing, the next infusion I might have the same side effects as my first infusion. Crossing my fingers I don't because that was awful. Seems my hair is growing also! Very slowly but growing. So doing Ok.
So many things have been happening in our community with friends or acquaintances that are being diagnosed with cancer. I read their CaringBridge that chronicles what their experience is. CaringBridge is similar to a blog but an easier set up. All the updates with everyone seem positive. We have someone who is fighting leukemia again for the 2nd time in a year. We have someone who is fighting stage 4 lung cancer and is trying to prolong his life with chemo and finally another person who had throat cancer that has spread to his lung and bone. He is the person who I mentioned has stopped all traditional medicine. He is following a certain diet, drinking a certain type of tea, exercising. I have to admit it is curiosity that I follow his journal. He is due for a scan. I wonder if his actions are working. I admit I have started to "fall off" the healthy wagon. I rarely drink alcohol, maybe a glass every 3 weeks. There is no desire to. I have started to have dessert again. I'll eat one of my cookies but that's about it. Again no desire to eat sweet things. I don't drink milk anymore. I don't eat red meat at all. I eat chicken and fish, once in a while maybe some pork. I eat alot of almonds, beans, veggies, whole wheat pasta. I'm just trying to eat healthier...but then I ate healthy before. Exercise, 2X a week I do Pilates. I try to get out and walk briskly but I'm just not full of energy. I think about it though!
I can see the end of this part of my journey. 2 more infusions and then I'm done. I will start radiation within 2 weeks after chemo. Probably about 5 weeks of radiation, 5X's a week. I'll rest for a few weeks then have the transfer surgery, expanders out, implants in....but that might be delayed also. I may have the hysterectomy first then reconstruction. Who knows.
I don't think of getting cancer again. I'm pretty sure that part of my life is over. Thinking positive is so important but I just know it will not revisit me. I'm looking forward to moving forward with life. There is so much to discover!
Well you know me, research, research, research. There are 2 options: a hysterectomy and removal of the fibroids, called myomectomy. The removal of the uterus, a hysterectomy, I can do and seems as if there are little side effects other then the surgery itself. Then again, the surgery is minimally invasive unlike years before. Please see my link above for more info. There are a few different ways your uterus can be removed. I keep envisioning the small doorway and the piece of furniture that's too big and can't fit through, you just keep banging it against the frame....how do they remove your uterus if they don't slice you open? It is done using a procedure called laparoscopy . Anyway...check the links for more info. This is a topic I will cover at a later time because there is a much greater decision involved, removal of the ovaries and reduction of estrogen. Isn't that what we want? Yes, but it may come at a cost to me later in life, heart issues, bone loss, increased chance of demenia all because of the abrupt removal of estrogen from my body.
I spoke with Dr. Gottlieb (my breast cancer Dr.) about all this. He had mentioned months ago there was a possibility that I could make the decision to remove my ovaries. The whole purpose is to reduce the estrogen in my body since the breast cancer cells feed off of the estrogen. He said this is something for me to consider but right now I needed to get through chemo, then radiation. At the end of that is when I should consider the procedure. Just a reminder...I still have my reconstruction surgery ahead of me too. So, this is not a decision I'm going to worry myself with right now. There really is nothing we can now since I'm in the middle of chemo. I need to be consistent with the treatments to provide the best benefit for me.
So, what was causing this intense abdominal/unterian pain during my first Taxol? This is the speculation from my oncologist. First off, I was the 1st patient of his that ever had these type of side effects I explained to him-lucky me. What he suspects is that my body may have been about to start my menstrual cycle. I have not had a period for years since I had an abalation of my uterus a few years ago to lessen my heavy periods. Once I had this procedure, I really had no period and could never tell if I had one. Anyway, the Dr. thinks my body was going through the actions of having a period when the Taxol was administered. Taxol can cause muscle ache and since my uterus is a large muscle and was "trying" to create my period, the Taxol zeroed in on my uterus, causing the labor like pains I felt all weekend. One week after the infusion, I did have menstrual spotting for a couple hours and then I was done. This was the first time in years I had any indication of a period. So is the Dr. right? I don't know but I am on my 2nd infusion and I have no uterine pain.
So. here we are, my 2nd infusion of Taxol. Can I say, what a difference! I am functioning. I received my infusion Thursday am. Thursday afternoon I tend to nap since I have the Benadryl in me still. Thursday night I spent awake I think because of the steroids. Felt pretty good all day Friday, even had friends over on Friday night. A few aches and pains but that was it. No nausea, thank goodness. I have been continuing the Clariten D for the Neulesta shot ( which I now receive on Thursday). I take Advil for the muscle cramping. I still take the Ativan to help with any nausea that might be hiding and to help keep me relaxed. I also continue to take the vitamins, L-Glutamine, and all the other stuff. Taxol is very tolerable. Much better then the AC. It is Sunday morning and I have a lot of aches and pains, mainly in my pelvis. I spent a restless night with hot flashes and some aches. I have a headache that comes and goes but overall it is tolerable. I don't feel like heading out to any parties and spending the time shopping with my daughter (college dorm shopping is right around the corner) but I'm good. I just want to stay close to home in case I want to lay down. Here's the scary thing, the next infusion I might have the same side effects as my first infusion. Crossing my fingers I don't because that was awful. Seems my hair is growing also! Very slowly but growing. So doing Ok.
So many things have been happening in our community with friends or acquaintances that are being diagnosed with cancer. I read their CaringBridge that chronicles what their experience is. CaringBridge is similar to a blog but an easier set up. All the updates with everyone seem positive. We have someone who is fighting leukemia again for the 2nd time in a year. We have someone who is fighting stage 4 lung cancer and is trying to prolong his life with chemo and finally another person who had throat cancer that has spread to his lung and bone. He is the person who I mentioned has stopped all traditional medicine. He is following a certain diet, drinking a certain type of tea, exercising. I have to admit it is curiosity that I follow his journal. He is due for a scan. I wonder if his actions are working. I admit I have started to "fall off" the healthy wagon. I rarely drink alcohol, maybe a glass every 3 weeks. There is no desire to. I have started to have dessert again. I'll eat one of my cookies but that's about it. Again no desire to eat sweet things. I don't drink milk anymore. I don't eat red meat at all. I eat chicken and fish, once in a while maybe some pork. I eat alot of almonds, beans, veggies, whole wheat pasta. I'm just trying to eat healthier...but then I ate healthy before. Exercise, 2X a week I do Pilates. I try to get out and walk briskly but I'm just not full of energy. I think about it though!
I can see the end of this part of my journey. 2 more infusions and then I'm done. I will start radiation within 2 weeks after chemo. Probably about 5 weeks of radiation, 5X's a week. I'll rest for a few weeks then have the transfer surgery, expanders out, implants in....but that might be delayed also. I may have the hysterectomy first then reconstruction. Who knows.
I don't think of getting cancer again. I'm pretty sure that part of my life is over. Thinking positive is so important but I just know it will not revisit me. I'm looking forward to moving forward with life. There is so much to discover!
July 3, 2011
Hello Taxol...you are a pain/update/update #2
Had my first infusion of Taxol last Thursday, June 30. As with anything new, your nervous as to what is going to happen. With this infusion they started me out with the Benadryl. My nurse mentioned you might feel a bit sleepy. Yea, within 15 minutes I was dozing away! My time frame for this infusion will be about 4 hours long. I will receive hydration, a steroid, Benadryl, an anti nausea med, and finally the Taxol. Most of the 4 hours will be for the Taxol infusion. The nurses watch me closely to see if I have an allergic reaction and that is why the Taxol is given to me so slowly. Everything went fine other then I caught myself snoring and woke myself up with a snort-embarrassing! The other infusions should average 3 to 4 hours. I also get my Neulasta shot the same day now instead of coming back the following day. Still feels the same....it hurts! Made it home but was so tired I fell straight to sleep instead of going to my Pilates class. I had read somewhere it was very important to exercise or stretch the muscles with the Taxol. Unfortunately, exercise had to wait because a nap had a much stronger pull on me. So Thursday afternoon and night felt fine. No nausea. Friday still felt good. Woke up and had some extra energy and cleaned out a closet downstairs. I was thinking to myself, hey this isn't bad. I went to Pilates class. I had some aches but nothing bad. I thought if this is all I'm going to feel, this is not bad. I can do it! I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well...things went downhill from there, again.
I could feel the Neulasta shot taking effect. My spine, neck, and shoulders began the ache. Frank spent Friday night rubbing them. It wasn't as bad as previous times but still uncomfortable. What I did discover was, there really was no nausea-yea! I can deal with the pain but the constant feel of nausea literally makes me sick and not able to function. Pain on the other hand, i can somewhat block and do stuff.
As I awoke Saturday morning, I realized it was gong to be a very different ride with the Taxol. I had pain that seemed to center in my pelvis area. It wasn't necessarily my pelvis/hips but it feels like a giant ball inside of me, like my internal organs are just aching. I took Tylenol but the pain seems to have intensified and finally broke down and took the Oxycodene that was prescribed for my double mastectomy. It really doesn't seem to help much or if it does, it helps for about an hour then the throbbing starts again. I haven't had any of the tingling in my joints, hands, or feet yet but the pain really hurts. Sometimes it feels like some has jabbed me with a sharp stick in one spot.
Hoping because this is my first dose of Taxol this will be the worst I feel...kinda like the AC. The first infusion was hell so maybe the Taxol will be like that too? I just need to work thru it. So here I am Sunday morning. I still have this pain in my internal organs and sometimes my hips. I walked around one of the local parks this morning with Frank. I had to walk like I was walking on egg shells. If I walked too fast my hips and pelvis start to ache. Again I'm functioning and no nausea. I do keep wondering is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? I googled all my aches and pains and it seems it is normal. Big question again, why doesn't the Dr.'s office prepare you better? My only hint that the pain might be this bad was when I asked the nurse, "so if the pain is really bad, can I take my Oxycodone?" Her response, "oh yea, by all means...take what you need to get through the pain". Yikes....that should have been a big hint.
I am taking a number of vitamins to help me through the Taxol and lessen the neuropathy side effects; B6 (50mg twice daily), B12 (1000mcg), Alpha lipoic Acid (600mg daily), Vit E (300iu), and L-Glutamine 30g orally. Yes the L-Glutamine is alot! I had started taking it (maybe 10g) leading up to the Taxol to have my body ready but 30g is alot! Can't hide all that in a shake. I'm to take the 30g for 4 days following the Taxol. So trying my best to do all this.
4th of July weekend and just spending it resting. It's over 100 degrees here so I'm keeping up on my liquids. A bit of a bummer, life is happening around me and I'm stuck in neutral. I am happy to say I only need to do 3 more infusions then I'm done! I can't tell you how excited I am. Crossing my fingers I won't need radiation but I know deep down I will....so again more time waiting. Then the surgery to swap out my expander to implants. btw...the scars are healing REALLY real. I haven't been putting any type of scar medicine on but everything is healing and fading. There are some areas that are a little red but for the most part, the scars look good, or at least as good as they can for having had a double mastectomy in March.
Update July 5th/
I could feel the Neulasta shot taking effect. My spine, neck, and shoulders began the ache. Frank spent Friday night rubbing them. It wasn't as bad as previous times but still uncomfortable. What I did discover was, there really was no nausea-yea! I can deal with the pain but the constant feel of nausea literally makes me sick and not able to function. Pain on the other hand, i can somewhat block and do stuff.
As I awoke Saturday morning, I realized it was gong to be a very different ride with the Taxol. I had pain that seemed to center in my pelvis area. It wasn't necessarily my pelvis/hips but it feels like a giant ball inside of me, like my internal organs are just aching. I took Tylenol but the pain seems to have intensified and finally broke down and took the Oxycodene that was prescribed for my double mastectomy. It really doesn't seem to help much or if it does, it helps for about an hour then the throbbing starts again. I haven't had any of the tingling in my joints, hands, or feet yet but the pain really hurts. Sometimes it feels like some has jabbed me with a sharp stick in one spot.
Hoping because this is my first dose of Taxol this will be the worst I feel...kinda like the AC. The first infusion was hell so maybe the Taxol will be like that too? I just need to work thru it. So here I am Sunday morning. I still have this pain in my internal organs and sometimes my hips. I walked around one of the local parks this morning with Frank. I had to walk like I was walking on egg shells. If I walked too fast my hips and pelvis start to ache. Again I'm functioning and no nausea. I do keep wondering is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? I googled all my aches and pains and it seems it is normal. Big question again, why doesn't the Dr.'s office prepare you better? My only hint that the pain might be this bad was when I asked the nurse, "so if the pain is really bad, can I take my Oxycodone?" Her response, "oh yea, by all means...take what you need to get through the pain". Yikes....that should have been a big hint.
I am taking a number of vitamins to help me through the Taxol and lessen the neuropathy side effects; B6 (50mg twice daily), B12 (1000mcg), Alpha lipoic Acid (600mg daily), Vit E (300iu), and L-Glutamine 30g orally. Yes the L-Glutamine is alot! I had started taking it (maybe 10g) leading up to the Taxol to have my body ready but 30g is alot! Can't hide all that in a shake. I'm to take the 30g for 4 days following the Taxol. So trying my best to do all this.
4th of July weekend and just spending it resting. It's over 100 degrees here so I'm keeping up on my liquids. A bit of a bummer, life is happening around me and I'm stuck in neutral. I am happy to say I only need to do 3 more infusions then I'm done! I can't tell you how excited I am. Crossing my fingers I won't need radiation but I know deep down I will....so again more time waiting. Then the surgery to swap out my expander to implants. btw...the scars are healing REALLY real. I haven't been putting any type of scar medicine on but everything is healing and fading. There are some areas that are a little red but for the most part, the scars look good, or at least as good as they can for having had a double mastectomy in March.
Update July 5th/
I'm scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow to investigate what is going on. I have been given the OK to use Advil for pain relief. I wasn't allowed to earlier because my platelets were so low and Advil is a blood thinner. The Advil has helped but the pain is still there.... over time it seems to be getting better. I can't imagine there being anything wrong but hoping for the best because I really don't want more bad news or anything to delay me getting through all this stuff. I just want to get it done and move on.
JULY 8-Friday
Had my ultrasound for my abdominal area and pelvis. Took about an hour because I had to drink more water...I swear I beginning to really hate water. I recognized the gal who performed the ultrasound, she might have even been the gal who found this cancer. She recognized me as well, even without hair. We chatted it up during the whole appointment. At the end I asked, so when do I get the results? She gave the standard answer the tech's give. The Dr. will call you once it has been read and usually that is within a day or two. I asked, if there is something urgent, does someone wave a flag to have a Dr. read it? Her response, yes they do. So against protocol, I'm sure, she said, in your case it will just be a standard follow up call, no urgency.
So here I sit Friday morning, waiting still for my results. No phone call but probably today. So what is causing my pain (which has subsided)? I'm guessing it was my ovaries. Maybe my body was fighting Taxol that is trying to put my body into menopause. Who knows but I hope next Taxol it does not happen again.
JULY 11-Monday 2nd UPDATE
Got the call from the Dr. as to what they found from the ultrasound. Two things could have caused the pain I experienced. 1st...possibly gall stones. Yes, gall stones. I knew I had gall stones, thanks to my CAT scan a months ago. So, maybe I ate something before the infusion and the chemo triggered a gall stone attack. Really? I couldn't believe what my chemo nurse was telling me. It did not seem correct. 2nd possibility....which was news to me, I have fibroids on my uterus. Fibroids are beign cysts that grow on your uterus lining. They can become large and cause cramping and spotting. Mine are small but again, maybe the chemo triggered the cramping that fibroids can cause. These are common among women of a certain age and are not cancerous. Yea! So this sounds more right as to where the pain was coming from. What am I going to do about this? I have been referred to my gyno for more poking. If they become worse a hysterectomy could be in my future. Actually a hysterectomy could be in my future no matter what since I am trying to remove as much estrogen from my body. I can also just have them removed but it's not a quick thing. So for now, I just get super strong pain relievers for the next infusion and hope for the best.
JULY 8-Friday
Had my ultrasound for my abdominal area and pelvis. Took about an hour because I had to drink more water...I swear I beginning to really hate water. I recognized the gal who performed the ultrasound, she might have even been the gal who found this cancer. She recognized me as well, even without hair. We chatted it up during the whole appointment. At the end I asked, so when do I get the results? She gave the standard answer the tech's give. The Dr. will call you once it has been read and usually that is within a day or two. I asked, if there is something urgent, does someone wave a flag to have a Dr. read it? Her response, yes they do. So against protocol, I'm sure, she said, in your case it will just be a standard follow up call, no urgency.
So here I sit Friday morning, waiting still for my results. No phone call but probably today. So what is causing my pain (which has subsided)? I'm guessing it was my ovaries. Maybe my body was fighting Taxol that is trying to put my body into menopause. Who knows but I hope next Taxol it does not happen again.
JULY 11-Monday 2nd UPDATE
Got the call from the Dr. as to what they found from the ultrasound. Two things could have caused the pain I experienced. 1st...possibly gall stones. Yes, gall stones. I knew I had gall stones, thanks to my CAT scan a months ago. So, maybe I ate something before the infusion and the chemo triggered a gall stone attack. Really? I couldn't believe what my chemo nurse was telling me. It did not seem correct. 2nd possibility....which was news to me, I have fibroids on my uterus. Fibroids are beign cysts that grow on your uterus lining. They can become large and cause cramping and spotting. Mine are small but again, maybe the chemo triggered the cramping that fibroids can cause. These are common among women of a certain age and are not cancerous. Yea! So this sounds more right as to where the pain was coming from. What am I going to do about this? I have been referred to my gyno for more poking. If they become worse a hysterectomy could be in my future. Actually a hysterectomy could be in my future no matter what since I am trying to remove as much estrogen from my body. I can also just have them removed but it's not a quick thing. So for now, I just get super strong pain relievers for the next infusion and hope for the best.
June 14, 2011
6 Months out from my cancer diagnosis-life in neutral
I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. January 3rd is when I had my regular mammo and ultrasound. It was at this appointment, that I knew something was up. I was all too familiar with watching the ultrasound person and how they zero in on questionable areas. Within 2 weeks I had a biopsy, confirmation of breast cancer (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma) for the 2nd time in 3 years, parameters of my type of breast cancer, HD MRI and finally on my 45th birthday, January 19th, a confirmation from my Dr. and to myself, a double mastectomy was in my future. My girlfriends that night surprised me with a birthday party where I promptly burst into tears and told everyone what was happening. Talk about a downer. I was so angry at my husband that night for not warning me of what my friends were doing. I just couldn't handle it. I really just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. His thought was it might cheer me up to be with my friends...well in our 28 years together, he has only been wrong a few times about my feelings and this took the top prize.
So after that night and countless additional tests, I set a date for the double mastectomy, March 10, 2011. Amazing how some dates just stick in your mind. Leading up to it, life was good. Had a girl's weekend away. Time away with my husband. Got the house and kids in order for my "out of order" time period. The thought of having the double mastectomy was more terrifying then the actual event. It was by no means a walk in the park. The days after surgery, the uncomfortable feeling, the drains, etc. etc. Within 3 weeks I felt pretty good. I was getting fills every week on my expander's. Incisions were healing fine. Came to the conclusion chemo was in my future now since my tumor was 11cm large, encircling my entire left breast. Big clear margins though-thank you Dr. Gottlieb! Went to UCSF for my 2nd opinion. They concurred with my oncologist here. Set the date for chemo start all based on when my daughter's graduation was going to be from high school, June 10...there's another date to remember. Crazy enough, I can't remember the date of my first chemo...but after looking it up, it was on May 5th, 2011. That was a horrible weekend. Period. End of story, well not exactly end of story. I have 7 more chapters after that and then end of that story.
Every 2 weeks on Thursday am. I had my chemo, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I lost my weekends plus Monday and Tuesday following my Thursday infusions. I would have some side effects that would follow me into Wednesday, Thursday, Friday but I was functioning. Starting Saturday I would feel back to normal and by the time Tuesday rolled around I actually felt like a little hanky panky with the honey. Wow once every 2 weeks...no boobs (redefine that- boobs that are hard with the expander's), no hair... how sexy is that look? Wednesday I head back to the Dr.'s for blood tests and then Thursday's I do it again. This part of the whole process is taking way too long. I will be starting the next phase in 2 weeks, the Taxol. June 30th will be my 1st infusion date of my 4 part cycle.
I feel like my life is in neutral. I'm not losing ground on making my life happen but then I'm not doing "stuff" to make my life move forward. I'm not overally sick that I'm in the hospital or having side effects that impair me the whole time I'm doing chemo-that would be my life in reverse. I'm also not in drive, I can't really go on vacations since I don't know what and when side effects will happen. I couldn't help with our high school's Grad Night preparation. I was on the steering committee but I dropped out. I couldn't (or I should say I chose not to) go to the all the preparation events making Grad Night. I couldn't risk being exposed to germs or getting a splinter and having it get infected. I couldn't go to parties because of the germ exposure. All I was concentrating on was being healthy for my daughter's graduation from high school.
We did not attend any grad party's since the days after graduation were Junior Olympic qualifiers for boys water polo. Frank and I split our times at the pool watching our son's games. Just a half day was too much for me, weirdly enough. I fell into bed achy each night so no Grad parties that I really had been looking forward to. Again, my life in neutral, life around me in drive.
I would be lying if I said there was no bitterness. The bitterness creeps in occasionally. I ask, why me? Why do some people who are self absorbed, pretentious, untrusting liars get all the breaks? They cheat to get what they have and nothing negative happens to them. You spend your life trying to abide by the right morals and decisions and then you get stuck with cancer-what the f*ck??!! I have lost a year in my life. I spend just about every day with some ache, pain, or fatigue. I am sick of this. I want to put my life back in drive. I want to be able to just leave whenever I want and not be stuck by a chemo schedule or illness. I want to have my husband look at me with lust not sorrow. I want to be able to eat that hamburger that's dripping with melted cheese and chili. I want to go to a crowd capacity baseball game, drink all the beer I want and eat the greasy garlic fries with my fingers. That is life in drive. As you can tell the bitterness is creeping in. I'm stopping now. I feel better...thank you.
Yes I know, it could be worse, a lot worse and I should be thankful for where I am and what I have. Just sometimes, I want more. Anyone who has had cancer and has to deal with the baggage that comes with it, can relate. I want my life to be in drive.
As for now, neutral is the best description of my life and that is not me.
p.s. one of my blogs I talked about my 6 month chocolate bar. Well, it's time to enjoy it unfortunately it just doesn't sound appealing so I'm giving it to my youngest to enjoy. Here's a thought-the Dr. says don't eat stuff you like while you have nausea from chemo. Well, why wouldn't you eat ice cream, cookies, pies, drink lots of wine, beer during this time? Once your done with chemo, you would associate all this stuff with nausea so you would stop eating it. Doesn't that make sense? I think it does and at least I could keep some of the weight off. Just another crazy thought that has some logic to it.
So after that night and countless additional tests, I set a date for the double mastectomy, March 10, 2011. Amazing how some dates just stick in your mind. Leading up to it, life was good. Had a girl's weekend away. Time away with my husband. Got the house and kids in order for my "out of order" time period. The thought of having the double mastectomy was more terrifying then the actual event. It was by no means a walk in the park. The days after surgery, the uncomfortable feeling, the drains, etc. etc. Within 3 weeks I felt pretty good. I was getting fills every week on my expander's. Incisions were healing fine. Came to the conclusion chemo was in my future now since my tumor was 11cm large, encircling my entire left breast. Big clear margins though-thank you Dr. Gottlieb! Went to UCSF for my 2nd opinion. They concurred with my oncologist here. Set the date for chemo start all based on when my daughter's graduation was going to be from high school, June 10...there's another date to remember. Crazy enough, I can't remember the date of my first chemo...but after looking it up, it was on May 5th, 2011. That was a horrible weekend. Period. End of story, well not exactly end of story. I have 7 more chapters after that and then end of that story.
Every 2 weeks on Thursday am. I had my chemo, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I lost my weekends plus Monday and Tuesday following my Thursday infusions. I would have some side effects that would follow me into Wednesday, Thursday, Friday but I was functioning. Starting Saturday I would feel back to normal and by the time Tuesday rolled around I actually felt like a little hanky panky with the honey. Wow once every 2 weeks...no boobs (redefine that- boobs that are hard with the expander's), no hair... how sexy is that look? Wednesday I head back to the Dr.'s for blood tests and then Thursday's I do it again. This part of the whole process is taking way too long. I will be starting the next phase in 2 weeks, the Taxol. June 30th will be my 1st infusion date of my 4 part cycle.
I feel like my life is in neutral. I'm not losing ground on making my life happen but then I'm not doing "stuff" to make my life move forward. I'm not overally sick that I'm in the hospital or having side effects that impair me the whole time I'm doing chemo-that would be my life in reverse. I'm also not in drive, I can't really go on vacations since I don't know what and when side effects will happen. I couldn't help with our high school's Grad Night preparation. I was on the steering committee but I dropped out. I couldn't (or I should say I chose not to) go to the all the preparation events making Grad Night. I couldn't risk being exposed to germs or getting a splinter and having it get infected. I couldn't go to parties because of the germ exposure. All I was concentrating on was being healthy for my daughter's graduation from high school.
We did not attend any grad party's since the days after graduation were Junior Olympic qualifiers for boys water polo. Frank and I split our times at the pool watching our son's games. Just a half day was too much for me, weirdly enough. I fell into bed achy each night so no Grad parties that I really had been looking forward to. Again, my life in neutral, life around me in drive.
I would be lying if I said there was no bitterness. The bitterness creeps in occasionally. I ask, why me? Why do some people who are self absorbed, pretentious, untrusting liars get all the breaks? They cheat to get what they have and nothing negative happens to them. You spend your life trying to abide by the right morals and decisions and then you get stuck with cancer-what the f*ck??!! I have lost a year in my life. I spend just about every day with some ache, pain, or fatigue. I am sick of this. I want to put my life back in drive. I want to be able to just leave whenever I want and not be stuck by a chemo schedule or illness. I want to have my husband look at me with lust not sorrow. I want to be able to eat that hamburger that's dripping with melted cheese and chili. I want to go to a crowd capacity baseball game, drink all the beer I want and eat the greasy garlic fries with my fingers. That is life in drive. As you can tell the bitterness is creeping in. I'm stopping now. I feel better...thank you.
Yes I know, it could be worse, a lot worse and I should be thankful for where I am and what I have. Just sometimes, I want more. Anyone who has had cancer and has to deal with the baggage that comes with it, can relate. I want my life to be in drive.
As for now, neutral is the best description of my life and that is not me.
p.s. one of my blogs I talked about my 6 month chocolate bar. Well, it's time to enjoy it unfortunately it just doesn't sound appealing so I'm giving it to my youngest to enjoy. Here's a thought-the Dr. says don't eat stuff you like while you have nausea from chemo. Well, why wouldn't you eat ice cream, cookies, pies, drink lots of wine, beer during this time? Once your done with chemo, you would associate all this stuff with nausea so you would stop eating it. Doesn't that make sense? I think it does and at least I could keep some of the weight off. Just another crazy thought that has some logic to it.
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