A few friends have asked, what does Frank (my husband) think of my blog? Well, he knows I have a blog but I have not shared it with him. Some people may think it is strange that I haven't but maybe one day I will, just right now is not the right time. He is under a lot of stress and having him read my blog, sometimes depressing at times, is not going to help him. I share my thoughts verbally with him but I do hold back because I worry about him. I worry that if something happened to him, like a heart attack, I simply would be lost. I need his support to get me through this time in my life. He has his worries....for goodness sake we have 4 kids to put through college! I don't want to over burden him. I can handle my situation. It is a true test of our relationship and love. This has made everything about us stronger. We realize we can't worry about the small stuff because life is too precious. We just need to get through this and move on.
My kids know I have a blog also. The only ones who have expressed an interest is my oldest daughter and my youngest son Brock. It's not that Grant and Maren don't care, they just don't think it's a big deal. Alex (who is 18) realizes there are things I post that I have not told her. She is curious and I would not be surprised if she is reading this. After all what happens to me will affect her and her life, decisions she makes. She is older and understands this. She also realizes that breast cancer can kill. We had a mom in the neighborhood who died from breast cancer. Alex was very young when this happened but it still had an impact on her life. I have tried to be as honest and up front with Alex about everything that has happened to me. I do try to keep the fear away from her and I don't speculate. I give her facts. I probably did something about a week ago that may be very controversial with people, but I showed her my reconstructed breasts.
All my kids have a habit of coming into our room like it's their room. They knock and walk in. I had just stepped out of the shower and had just put on my underwear when I heard Alex coming around the corner into my bathroom. I had enough time to throw my hands over my "breasts" or my expanders. We just stood there looking at each other. Awkward few seconds. I finally said to her, "are you curious as to what I look like?" She said, yes. I asked her if she wanted to see what I looked like. She said yes. It was that moment I made the decision to show my daughter my reconstructed breasts, scars and all. I remember when I was in my late 20's and I saw the photo's in a Life magazine of women who had mastectomy's, it terrified me. The pictures were of grossly deformed skin that had been twisted with huge scars running across once where breasts were. I think these images made me fear the thought of having a mastectomy.
I feel the reconstruction that I have had up to this point is very good. Much less shocking then the images I saw in the magazine. I asked Alex again, are you sure you want to see what I look like. She reassured me again, yes. I slowly took my hands off my breasts and watched her face. Her reaction that I was hoping for was... nothing. She said they look normal except for the scars and you don't have a nipple. I tried to read her face but she seemed fine. I just hope this image is something that if she ever has to come to the decision of having a mastectomy, she will be OK with it. Once I am completely done I will show her once again, just to reassure her I am normal and if she ever has to make a decision to have a mastectomy she could look like me, as she says, normal.
Keep me company as I travel thru my journey facing breast cancer again.
Why would anyone want to read about someone else's problem when you have plenty of your own? Maybe one day a loved one, a friend, or you will be diagnosed with breast cancer. My blog might offer insite into cancer resources, thoughts, questions to ask, or guidance in helping you deal with this disease. These are my experiences and suggestions. Every breast cancer is different. If you are touched by breast cancer, be sure to consult your Dr. for direction in treatment.
I equate my blog to the emergency evacuation instruction the flight attendants do before you take off on an airplane. Nobody pays attention to them but when your plane is about to crash you think, "sh*t, why didn't I pay more attention to them? Which color cord do I pull first again?" We have so many things going on in our lives that one more thing to dwell on that doesn't apply to us right now may not be important but when it does, we wish we would have paid attention.
My blog is something you might read a couple times or maybe follow. Hopefully you gain some knowledge about breast cancer, in particular, Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC). It is the 2nd most common type of invasive breast cancer however it only accounts for approx. 10% of all invasive breast cancers. It is the silent breast cancer. It is generally not detected with a mammo but rather an ultrasound. Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC) is what I have been diagnosed with. My suggestion to every woman who is of mammo age insist on an ultrasound with your mammos.
UPDATE 3/2011
I have had my bilaterial mastectomy and I am recovering. ILC is a sneaky cancer as I said above. My various Dr.'s here and at UCSF confirmed the size of my tumor should be between 2.5cm-3.5cm with possibilty but not most likely, 7cm. After my surgery, my tumor was confirmed to be 11cm. My Dr.'s are very knowledgeable and are on top of things. This is simply the truth about ILC. I had mammos every 6 months, ultra sounds, and MRI's. With all of these, it was not picked up until 1/2011. The good news, if you can call it that, only 1 sentinel node out of 2 has micromastic findings and 5 aux. nodes were negative.
Be sure to start my adventure from the blog history on the right. I have tried to bold points to make it easier to extract the important information. If there is anything you get out of this blog, refer to my Dr.'s listed below if you know someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer in the East Bay. These Dr.'s; Dr. Gottlieb, Dr. Wotowic, and Dr. Sherman are my 3 musketeers....all for 1 and 1 for all!
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