Tonight we received news of 2 people we have a connection with that passed away from cancer. It hits you hard the bitter reality of it, cancer can kill you. I'm still very confident I have done everything I can to prevent a reoccurance of or have the cancer spread in my body but then you hear about 2 people you are connected with either as friends or through your friends.
The first individual we heard about was at dinner with the kids. Grants FB lit up with notes about prayers for a family. I knew this person was not doing well and the cancer was spreading. His posts on Caring Bridge were always optimistic and tinged with sarcastic humor. His fight started a few months before me with throat cancer. I feel some guilt because Ben wanted to meet with me to talk about nutrition and some diet he was following. I quite simply was too scared. I didn't want to talk to someone who was terminal. I was having a difficult time grasping what was going on with me and trying to talk to someone else and having the words, " I have cancer" come out of my mouth was just too difficult. Also mentioning my reoccurrence % just made it more realistic I could die from cancer.
I followed Ben's Caring Bridge entries hoping things would improve, like another guy here in town. Ben's entries became less frequent and more detailed of the cancer spreading. I silently was fighting for him and holding onto the slim chance things could turn around...like with my cancer. Just yesterday I was thinking of him wondering how he was doing, so when we heard this at dinner in the restaurant, I had a few tears break out. He was part of "my circle" that I had been watching and following. So far everyone in this circle have been doing great so this was a blow to me.
We received our 2nd note of a death a few hours later. A friend's father had passed away from prostrate cancer. I had never met the man but heard stories. It just was another reality check-yep, cancer in its various forms can kill. It's just unnerving. There is a worry inside of me, that maybe my cancer will return but I am comfortable to say I have done everything possible to try and stop it.
I know there will be many more people and possibly friends diagnosed with cancer. They possibly will be reading and watching my blog, hoping for the best for me. What I do know is that I feel I have beaten the cancer. I just wish everyone could. My thoughts and prayers are with you Ben for fighting the fight and giving it all you had.
December 11, 2011
Hair: The long, short, and none of it.
What a journey it has been. Seems I'm starting my blogs with this sentiment all the time. It is December 11, 2011. It will be almost a year from my diagnosis on January 3, 2010. I've conquered quite a bit during this time. I'm feeling good, really good. Even my favorite grocery guy at the local market said to me, "you are glowing". Wow! I like that...too bad he wasn't in his late 20's then I would have been walking on air....haha just kidding!
I finished chemo Aug 11, 2011. I did the ACT regime. My last Taxol that I was to receive was in short supply so I received Taxotere. I had lost just about all my hair; on my head, my legs, my bikini area (to my husband's amusement), arm pit hair. My brows had slightly thinned, same with my eye lashes. I still had arm hair....go figure that one? 2 weeks after my last Taxotere I finally lost just about all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I tried the Latisse for my eye lashes but it only made the few lashes I had longer! It did not fill in my lashes. My eyebrows closest to my nose I did not lose bu they looked like 2 small bushy dots with threads of hair here and there that went out. It was suggested to me to go to the Benefit Bar at Macy's to have them show me how draw my brow in. It was a Godsend. The gal shaped my bushes and showed me how to pencil the brow in....I have to say I looked good! I had the arched brow I had always wanted but seemed to end up with a slight arched caterpillar look after my brow waxings.
The beginning of September is when I finally noticed my hair growing again. I had to shave my legs. I also had thick peachfuzz appearing on my head. It was white but growing. Each day, morning and night I would lean close to my mirror and look at the hair on my head. It was one evening when my husband said, you have alot of hair on the back of my head. I took a small mirror and held it up so I could the back of my head, oh my God, I did. It was thick, so thick I did not see my scalp. It swirled with a cowlick I must have had. It was still white but with tinges of blond. It was hair, real hair. I still wore my hat in public because I was technically bald still.
As time passed into the end of October my hair filled out more. Tips were white, roots were dark. I became more confident in my fullness and started going without my hat. I also started to gel my hair to give it a bed-head hair raised look. It looked good! Short but good. When you see yourself everyday you think wow I have alot of hair. When you appear at the grocery store or local coffee place, the people there don't think that....they think wow she must have had cancer, her hair is so thin and close to her head. I must say I am looking forward to the day when no one notices me as a cancer patient. When my hair is longer and full. When my hairstyle is just simply that, my hair style that everyone else has.
As of today I am back to shaving my legs every couple days. Getting my chin waxed (darn that came back!), and keeping my brows shaped. My eye lashes are to die for! They have come in thick and full...all with no help from the Latisse. When I use mascara, they are so long and full! The hair on my head is thick also. Same as before, white tips dark roots but thick! I do style it now with gel and it is a look that is growing on me, hahaha, get it? Growing on me-so bad but humor is needed. I am beginning to look like someone who has chosen to have short hair not a person rebounding from cancer. However.....there is a look I have that is recognized by other women who have had chemo. It's hard to explain but you can tell by someones regrown hair when it is short that is it chemo regrowth hair. I just had a stranger come up to my at the grocery store and comment "your hair looks amazing. It really sets off your blue eyes. I went through chemo 11 years ago". The 1st thing I do when someone says that to me is, I look at their hair with a sense of relief-it came back. I also notice the women who are wearing scarves or hats. I think about how strong they must be since I know what they are going through.
So here I am. My next big decision is do I color my hair or leave it this silver, dark, blond color? It's a nice quandary to have for now.
Radiation update: I am now 2 weeks out from my last radiation treatment. The days following my skin continued to react. I keep the lotion on the radiated breast quite often.The skin peeled in my arm pit with the leathery skin. Now the skin on my breast has begun to peel also revealing normal soft skin. I'm blotchy in appearance with the skin color but that is evening out also. I've started using full movement of my arm on the left side as well, stretching during my pilates class and lifting light weights. My next surgery will be mid Feb to change out the saline implants to silicone. My scars now have healed amazingly well. So well that you can hardly see them. If I wear a lace bando my breasts actually look very sexy and there is no hint of reconstruction. The looks I get after I say, I had a double mastectomy, are rather funny since I can see their look of puzzlement at my great cleavage. Oh well....let them look ;-)
So Happy Holidays to you...here is a recent pic of me with my oldest daughter....and this was already a couple weeks ago! I have more hair now!
I finished chemo Aug 11, 2011. I did the ACT regime. My last Taxol that I was to receive was in short supply so I received Taxotere. I had lost just about all my hair; on my head, my legs, my bikini area (to my husband's amusement), arm pit hair. My brows had slightly thinned, same with my eye lashes. I still had arm hair....go figure that one? 2 weeks after my last Taxotere I finally lost just about all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I tried the Latisse for my eye lashes but it only made the few lashes I had longer! It did not fill in my lashes. My eyebrows closest to my nose I did not lose bu they looked like 2 small bushy dots with threads of hair here and there that went out. It was suggested to me to go to the Benefit Bar at Macy's to have them show me how draw my brow in. It was a Godsend. The gal shaped my bushes and showed me how to pencil the brow in....I have to say I looked good! I had the arched brow I had always wanted but seemed to end up with a slight arched caterpillar look after my brow waxings.
The beginning of September is when I finally noticed my hair growing again. I had to shave my legs. I also had thick peachfuzz appearing on my head. It was white but growing. Each day, morning and night I would lean close to my mirror and look at the hair on my head. It was one evening when my husband said, you have alot of hair on the back of my head. I took a small mirror and held it up so I could the back of my head, oh my God, I did. It was thick, so thick I did not see my scalp. It swirled with a cowlick I must have had. It was still white but with tinges of blond. It was hair, real hair. I still wore my hat in public because I was technically bald still.
As time passed into the end of October my hair filled out more. Tips were white, roots were dark. I became more confident in my fullness and started going without my hat. I also started to gel my hair to give it a bed-head hair raised look. It looked good! Short but good. When you see yourself everyday you think wow I have alot of hair. When you appear at the grocery store or local coffee place, the people there don't think that....they think wow she must have had cancer, her hair is so thin and close to her head. I must say I am looking forward to the day when no one notices me as a cancer patient. When my hair is longer and full. When my hairstyle is just simply that, my hair style that everyone else has.
As of today I am back to shaving my legs every couple days. Getting my chin waxed (darn that came back!), and keeping my brows shaped. My eye lashes are to die for! They have come in thick and full...all with no help from the Latisse. When I use mascara, they are so long and full! The hair on my head is thick also. Same as before, white tips dark roots but thick! I do style it now with gel and it is a look that is growing on me, hahaha, get it? Growing on me-so bad but humor is needed. I am beginning to look like someone who has chosen to have short hair not a person rebounding from cancer. However.....there is a look I have that is recognized by other women who have had chemo. It's hard to explain but you can tell by someones regrown hair when it is short that is it chemo regrowth hair. I just had a stranger come up to my at the grocery store and comment "your hair looks amazing. It really sets off your blue eyes. I went through chemo 11 years ago". The 1st thing I do when someone says that to me is, I look at their hair with a sense of relief-it came back. I also notice the women who are wearing scarves or hats. I think about how strong they must be since I know what they are going through.
So here I am. My next big decision is do I color my hair or leave it this silver, dark, blond color? It's a nice quandary to have for now.
Radiation update: I am now 2 weeks out from my last radiation treatment. The days following my skin continued to react. I keep the lotion on the radiated breast quite often.The skin peeled in my arm pit with the leathery skin. Now the skin on my breast has begun to peel also revealing normal soft skin. I'm blotchy in appearance with the skin color but that is evening out also. I've started using full movement of my arm on the left side as well, stretching during my pilates class and lifting light weights. My next surgery will be mid Feb to change out the saline implants to silicone. My scars now have healed amazingly well. So well that you can hardly see them. If I wear a lace bando my breasts actually look very sexy and there is no hint of reconstruction. The looks I get after I say, I had a double mastectomy, are rather funny since I can see their look of puzzlement at my great cleavage. Oh well....let them look ;-)
December 3, 2011
Radiation-done
28/28 radiation appts done. I made it. Much more difficult then 3 1/2 years ago.
My skin on my left breast is red and has small pimple type sores. It is very tender to the touch. My upper right area of my left breast has larger pimples and the surrounding skin is a brilliant red. Sometimes when I rub too hard I can feel water I'm assuming coming from the blisters. What caused this area to have more of a reaction is the metal bolis the radiation oncologist uses to treat me. What they did is place on my left breast a sheet of plastic then a material that is made from metal, kinda like an 1980's metal lamay type tops that were popular back then....all you younger people won't remember but it's something you would see in an Austin Powers movie. The reason the bolis is used is that we are trying to kill any cancer cells close to my skin on the underside. If you go to the link I have provided it gives more detail.
When you receive radiation it will sink 1cm deep before it begins it's affect. Having this material on me causes the radiation to hit the material first (the 1st cm) then the focus is the immediate top of my skin and the tissue right under. Well it's working. Skin is reacting. Ouch. I also have a brown tan (almost like leather in my arm pit) that is similar in shape to a triangle. No blisters here just very brown leathery skin. I also have a back radiation shadow burn. The radiation is very specific and is targeting certain areas of my remaining breast area and chest wall. The radiation will pass through my body and will bounce off the table I lay on and create this shadow on my back. This shadow looks like a sunburn tan but in the shape of a triangle. Kinda weird if you think about it.
So what do they do during radiation? Prior to my session I went into a simulator that projected beams of where the treatment area is. It included different angels and depths of the radiation treatment. To make sure every treatment follows my set treatment plan there are a number of things done.
1st. An I.D. Card is created with my photo and bar code. Each time I arrive for treatment I swipe my card under the scanner. This loads my treatment program in the que for my appointment. 2nd I have very small pin dot tattoos on me that the technicians use when they line up their coordinates for treatment. When I lay on the radiation table I have a type of bull's eye projected on my chest that is used to help match the dots on my chest to the dots on the bull's eye. 3) before treatment begins I am matched to my photo I.d. Card and asked simple questions to verify its me. There are always 2 people sometimes 3 who match my coordinates. It's goes like this: 1 person at computer calls out coordinate. Person at my side repeats coordinate. Moves me by pulling a sheet under me to get the right mapping coordinate or lifts/lowers the table. Once I'm matched, the person next to me confirms coordinate again. Computer person confirms again and then they move onto the next coordinate. Same procedure. Once their done, they leave the room to protect themselves. Thick doors and walls keep the radiation "contained".
Once all my coordinates are matched, I have to lay very still with my hands above my head holding onto a bar that comes up from the table. The radiation doses only take 30 seconds or so to administer. The radiation treatment comes out of this huge metal arm. The arm rotates above or at the angle where I receive my treatment. You see nothing, no light, no flash just a weird sound maybe like two gears scrapping against each other and then you hear the rotating of the arm when it moves from one spot to the next. I receive 3 different treatment angles. One aiming from top right downward to lower left. Then the arm rotates below the table on my left side and treatment angles up from lower left to upper right. Finally treatment from the top straight down for the entire breast and lymph node area. The treatment is very specialized to specific areas and depths. My only internal organs touched by radiation is a slight sliver of my lung and a slight sliver of my esophagus. No radiation reaches other organs. The radiation I had 3 1/2 years ago is not in the same treatment area as this time. The staff do measure me at times to make sure the projection does not hit my right breast tissue. Sometimes they have to tape my right breast down so it is pulled out of the way. They also make sure there is at least a couple mm space from my prior treatment on my chest. Sometimes they whip out this clear plastic ruler and measure the distance from the projection to my prior treatment area in the middle of my chest. It is very reassuring to me they are so precise.
So here I am. Done. The radiation oncologist gives you a certificate of completion, everyone hugs you and says good bye. You joke with the staff I hope to never see you again and you secretly hope deep down inside you never do. Well this time I really hope not to see them again. If I do see them again it will be because cancer has spread through my body.
It is about 1 week out from my finish. My skin is improving greatly. I was prescribed silver cream for my burns. It helps the burns heal. It is very greasy and I have to wear old tee shirts since it seeps through the shirt. I also use various Burt's Bee's natural lotions to help with the skin. The entire breast looks better. My armpit brown leather skin is now peeling and showing new skin underneath. My back shadow is improving also but I can feel the skin is still rough. If I don't keep the skin moisturized, it hurts so I'm constantly putting lotion on. As for the exhaustion people say you get....it does happen. Some nights are worse then others but for the most part it has not been really bad.
I'm just happy to be at the point I am, done. I do have to meet with the oncologist and go over my continued treatment plan of pills, shots, etc. I also have a change out surgery from my saline implants to my silicone implants in February.
As for now, I'm busy doing nothing and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
My skin on my left breast is red and has small pimple type sores. It is very tender to the touch. My upper right area of my left breast has larger pimples and the surrounding skin is a brilliant red. Sometimes when I rub too hard I can feel water I'm assuming coming from the blisters. What caused this area to have more of a reaction is the metal bolis the radiation oncologist uses to treat me. What they did is place on my left breast a sheet of plastic then a material that is made from metal, kinda like an 1980's metal lamay type tops that were popular back then....all you younger people won't remember but it's something you would see in an Austin Powers movie. The reason the bolis is used is that we are trying to kill any cancer cells close to my skin on the underside. If you go to the link I have provided it gives more detail.
When you receive radiation it will sink 1cm deep before it begins it's affect. Having this material on me causes the radiation to hit the material first (the 1st cm) then the focus is the immediate top of my skin and the tissue right under. Well it's working. Skin is reacting. Ouch. I also have a brown tan (almost like leather in my arm pit) that is similar in shape to a triangle. No blisters here just very brown leathery skin. I also have a back radiation shadow burn. The radiation is very specific and is targeting certain areas of my remaining breast area and chest wall. The radiation will pass through my body and will bounce off the table I lay on and create this shadow on my back. This shadow looks like a sunburn tan but in the shape of a triangle. Kinda weird if you think about it.
So what do they do during radiation? Prior to my session I went into a simulator that projected beams of where the treatment area is. It included different angels and depths of the radiation treatment. To make sure every treatment follows my set treatment plan there are a number of things done.
1st. An I.D. Card is created with my photo and bar code. Each time I arrive for treatment I swipe my card under the scanner. This loads my treatment program in the que for my appointment. 2nd I have very small pin dot tattoos on me that the technicians use when they line up their coordinates for treatment. When I lay on the radiation table I have a type of bull's eye projected on my chest that is used to help match the dots on my chest to the dots on the bull's eye. 3) before treatment begins I am matched to my photo I.d. Card and asked simple questions to verify its me. There are always 2 people sometimes 3 who match my coordinates. It's goes like this: 1 person at computer calls out coordinate. Person at my side repeats coordinate. Moves me by pulling a sheet under me to get the right mapping coordinate or lifts/lowers the table. Once I'm matched, the person next to me confirms coordinate again. Computer person confirms again and then they move onto the next coordinate. Same procedure. Once their done, they leave the room to protect themselves. Thick doors and walls keep the radiation "contained".
Once all my coordinates are matched, I have to lay very still with my hands above my head holding onto a bar that comes up from the table. The radiation doses only take 30 seconds or so to administer. The radiation treatment comes out of this huge metal arm. The arm rotates above or at the angle where I receive my treatment. You see nothing, no light, no flash just a weird sound maybe like two gears scrapping against each other and then you hear the rotating of the arm when it moves from one spot to the next. I receive 3 different treatment angles. One aiming from top right downward to lower left. Then the arm rotates below the table on my left side and treatment angles up from lower left to upper right. Finally treatment from the top straight down for the entire breast and lymph node area. The treatment is very specialized to specific areas and depths. My only internal organs touched by radiation is a slight sliver of my lung and a slight sliver of my esophagus. No radiation reaches other organs. The radiation I had 3 1/2 years ago is not in the same treatment area as this time. The staff do measure me at times to make sure the projection does not hit my right breast tissue. Sometimes they have to tape my right breast down so it is pulled out of the way. They also make sure there is at least a couple mm space from my prior treatment on my chest. Sometimes they whip out this clear plastic ruler and measure the distance from the projection to my prior treatment area in the middle of my chest. It is very reassuring to me they are so precise.
So here I am. Done. The radiation oncologist gives you a certificate of completion, everyone hugs you and says good bye. You joke with the staff I hope to never see you again and you secretly hope deep down inside you never do. Well this time I really hope not to see them again. If I do see them again it will be because cancer has spread through my body.
It is about 1 week out from my finish. My skin is improving greatly. I was prescribed silver cream for my burns. It helps the burns heal. It is very greasy and I have to wear old tee shirts since it seeps through the shirt. I also use various Burt's Bee's natural lotions to help with the skin. The entire breast looks better. My armpit brown leather skin is now peeling and showing new skin underneath. My back shadow is improving also but I can feel the skin is still rough. If I don't keep the skin moisturized, it hurts so I'm constantly putting lotion on. As for the exhaustion people say you get....it does happen. Some nights are worse then others but for the most part it has not been really bad.
I'm just happy to be at the point I am, done. I do have to meet with the oncologist and go over my continued treatment plan of pills, shots, etc. I also have a change out surgery from my saline implants to my silicone implants in February.
As for now, I'm busy doing nothing and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
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