I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. January 3rd is when I had my regular mammo and ultrasound. It was at this appointment, that I knew something was up. I was all too familiar with watching the ultrasound person and how they zero in on questionable areas. Within 2 weeks I had a biopsy, confirmation of breast cancer (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma) for the 2nd time in 3 years, parameters of my type of breast cancer, HD MRI and finally on my 45th birthday, January 19th, a confirmation from my Dr. and to myself, a double mastectomy was in my future. My girlfriends that night surprised me with a birthday party where I promptly burst into tears and told everyone what was happening. Talk about a downer. I was so angry at my husband that night for not warning me of what my friends were doing. I just couldn't handle it. I really just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. His thought was it might cheer me up to be with my friends...well in our 28 years together, he has only been wrong a few times about my feelings and this took the top prize.
So after that night and countless additional tests, I set a date for the double mastectomy, March 10, 2011. Amazing how some dates just stick in your mind. Leading up to it, life was good. Had a girl's weekend away. Time away with my husband. Got the house and kids in order for my "out of order" time period. The thought of having the double mastectomy was more terrifying then the actual event. It was by no means a walk in the park. The days after surgery, the uncomfortable feeling, the drains, etc. etc. Within 3 weeks I felt pretty good. I was getting fills every week on my expander's. Incisions were healing fine. Came to the conclusion chemo was in my future now since my tumor was 11cm large, encircling my entire left breast. Big clear margins though-thank you Dr. Gottlieb! Went to UCSF for my 2nd opinion. They concurred with my oncologist here. Set the date for chemo start all based on when my daughter's graduation was going to be from high school, June 10...there's another date to remember. Crazy enough, I can't remember the date of my first chemo...but after looking it up, it was on May 5th, 2011. That was a horrible weekend. Period. End of story, well not exactly end of story. I have 7 more chapters after that and then end of that story.
Every 2 weeks on Thursday am. I had my chemo, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I lost my weekends plus Monday and Tuesday following my Thursday infusions. I would have some side effects that would follow me into Wednesday, Thursday, Friday but I was functioning. Starting Saturday I would feel back to normal and by the time Tuesday rolled around I actually felt like a little hanky panky with the honey. Wow once every 2 weeks...no boobs (redefine that- boobs that are hard with the expander's), no hair... how sexy is that look? Wednesday I head back to the Dr.'s for blood tests and then Thursday's I do it again. This part of the whole process is taking way too long. I will be starting the next phase in 2 weeks, the Taxol. June 30th will be my 1st infusion date of my 4 part cycle.
I feel like my life is in neutral. I'm not losing ground on making my life happen but then I'm not doing "stuff" to make my life move forward. I'm not overally sick that I'm in the hospital or having side effects that impair me the whole time I'm doing chemo-that would be my life in reverse. I'm also not in drive, I can't really go on vacations since I don't know what and when side effects will happen. I couldn't help with our high school's Grad Night preparation. I was on the steering committee but I dropped out. I couldn't (or I should say I chose not to) go to the all the preparation events making Grad Night. I couldn't risk being exposed to germs or getting a splinter and having it get infected. I couldn't go to parties because of the germ exposure. All I was concentrating on was being healthy for my daughter's graduation from high school.
We did not attend any grad party's since the days after graduation were Junior Olympic qualifiers for boys water polo. Frank and I split our times at the pool watching our son's games. Just a half day was too much for me, weirdly enough. I fell into bed achy each night so no Grad parties that I really had been looking forward to. Again, my life in neutral, life around me in drive.
I would be lying if I said there was no bitterness. The bitterness creeps in occasionally. I ask, why me? Why do some people who are self absorbed, pretentious, untrusting liars get all the breaks? They cheat to get what they have and nothing negative happens to them. You spend your life trying to abide by the right morals and decisions and then you get stuck with cancer-what the f*ck??!! I have lost a year in my life. I spend just about every day with some ache, pain, or fatigue. I am sick of this. I want to put my life back in drive. I want to be able to just leave whenever I want and not be stuck by a chemo schedule or illness. I want to have my husband look at me with lust not sorrow. I want to be able to eat that hamburger that's dripping with melted cheese and chili. I want to go to a crowd capacity baseball game, drink all the beer I want and eat the greasy garlic fries with my fingers. That is life in drive. As you can tell the bitterness is creeping in. I'm stopping now. I feel better...thank you.
Yes I know, it could be worse, a lot worse and I should be thankful for where I am and what I have. Just sometimes, I want more. Anyone who has had cancer and has to deal with the baggage that comes with it, can relate. I want my life to be in drive.
As for now, neutral is the best description of my life and that is not me.
p.s. one of my blogs I talked about my 6 month chocolate bar. Well, it's time to enjoy it unfortunately it just doesn't sound appealing so I'm giving it to my youngest to enjoy. Here's a thought-the Dr. says don't eat stuff you like while you have nausea from chemo. Well, why wouldn't you eat ice cream, cookies, pies, drink lots of wine, beer during this time? Once your done with chemo, you would associate all this stuff with nausea so you would stop eating it. Doesn't that make sense? I think it does and at least I could keep some of the weight off. Just another crazy thought that has some logic to it.
June 6, 2011
Top Ten Reasons to Tolerate Chemo
10) You always get a seat on BART.
9) Your legs are always silky smooth.
8) Red head one week, brunette next week, variety is the spice of life they say...
7) You finally get the Brazilian that you have been too embarrassed to ask for.
6) Imagine the cost savings: water bill lower, no shampoo or conditioner needed, no brow or bikini wax, no mascara, no highlights, no haircuts.
5) You can be as high maintenance and take as long as you want when ordering your coffee at Starbucks, who is going to give the bald lady grief?
4) You won't find any hair in your food.
3) Your friends always buy you lunch.
2) You finally lose those pregnancy pounds.
1) One of the alternatives of not doing chemo has a much bigger side effect then anyone has ever lived to tell about.
9) Your legs are always silky smooth.
8) Red head one week, brunette next week, variety is the spice of life they say...
7) You finally get the Brazilian that you have been too embarrassed to ask for.
6) Imagine the cost savings: water bill lower, no shampoo or conditioner needed, no brow or bikini wax, no mascara, no highlights, no haircuts.
5) You can be as high maintenance and take as long as you want when ordering your coffee at Starbucks, who is going to give the bald lady grief?
4) You won't find any hair in your food.
3) Your friends always buy you lunch.
2) You finally lose those pregnancy pounds.
1) One of the alternatives of not doing chemo has a much bigger side effect then anyone has ever lived to tell about.
June 3, 2011
Decisions, Doctors, and the Social Norm
There have been lots of events in the past week that has made me think about decisions and what causes people to act on them. I'm not talking about the decision of what to wear for the day or what to make for dinner but rather decisions that literally impact your life. These decision's I talk about are to choose to live or die. You can go either route and follow your Dr.'s suggestions which could lead you to live or reject the Dr. and surprisingly break the social norm, and go on a separate path from everyone else to live or die. Neither decision is set in stone...until there is no turning back. What you do is what you feel deep down inside is the right decision even though it may break the social norm.
An acquaintance of ours had throat cancer and has now spread to his lungs and lymph nodes. He was doing a very aggressive form of chemo but he had been researching a diet that has "cured" people of cancer. He has made the decision to stop chemo and rely solely on this diet. It is Cancer Cure in in the Food, Oxaclic Acid or called Hart Dietary Procedure Plan. In his note to us he mentions he found God and then the miracles began to happen. He found this diet that will help him since the Dr.'s can not. Whether this will help him or not is in question, other then it takes a strong individual to turn away and break the social norm of conventional medicine to find an answer to live. It is his answer and his soul has agreed since there is no turning back because he wants to live. If he believes this is the way, there is no Dr. or person who could persuade him not too. He has found a calm in his inner soul on his path. We hope this decision is right but only time will tell.
My decision to use homeopathic drops and other alternative medicines, I also a broke away from social norms. Do I think it is helping me, don't know but it gives me a calm to think it is something I am doing to help me conquer the risk of cancer reoccurring. Changing my diet, exercise and such are all decisions I have made that give me an inner peace because I want to live longer. My decisions now are different then what I did a year ago because there is an inner calm that is helping me follow the right path. chemo for me is a small part of creating a nonoccurence but this event will and has created a huge impact on me and my family. I simply want to live and I will do anything to do it.
Then there are those who have made a decision that will perplex us to the point of heartache. A decision is made by a person that affects so many people but at the time, they may not think it will impact a broad range of people. They are searching for something to calm their soul. Our above mentioned friend found God and his new diet, I find calm in the support of my husband and my decisions to help me through therapy because I know I will come to an end and live. These decisions are in the hope of living because any other obstacle out there is not as great as our will to live.
On the other hand, sometimes decisions are made to end a life by their choice. In our Town last week we had that unfortunately happen to a 15 yer old young lady. I refer to her as "our" because she and our kids grow together. Same swim team, neighborhood, school, social events etc. All the kids in the neighborhood belong to us since we have known them for so long. Our Alliy's decision to end her life has affected all of us who knew her and her parents. She was an incredible young lady. Striving to be the best and showing all of us her bright and cheery side. Down inside there must have been something not right. She had something that so many of us that have/had cancer would give anything to have, that she made the decision to release, the will to live. In a split second, she choose to end it. Her decision was a deviant from one of the greatest social norms in our society and now we wonder, was there something we could have done to help her? We only hope with her decision, she reached a point that her soul was happy. We wonder if she would have held out longer, through the help of Dr.'s she could have gotten help and her decision would have been different. A difference we all would rather have embraced. Her decision to end her life was made by her. Her inner soul must have come to some sort of peace to make that final decision. It just is so tragic since there are so many of us doing everything we can to endure the pain of chemo and other treatments to live. Alliy's pain must have been different but her disease if it had been found early like ours, she could have been one of us, doing everything we can to live. Now we can only offer support to who she left behind, her family. They will never be the same but we are here to help them. We have made the decision to help them keep on living.
So, I'm at the start of chemo 3. Hoping for the best. I started all the meds earlier. Feeling loopy. Drinking lots of water. This go around I asked for fluids in an IV before we started to help hydrate me more-anything to help with the constipation issues! I have figured out the medicine so I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to take it. It balances the 9pm hour and the early morning hour which is perfect for me. Still following the same stuff, anticonstipation meds, Emend for 2 days, Ativan, Lonestran (? spelling), Claritan D 24 hours, Meusenex (?spelling), homeopathic drops 4x daily, Tylenol as needed for head aches, Occasionally I add heartburn medicine, Veggie juice with flax seedoil, ....did I miss anything? Ohh yea...my turkey, jack, cranberry (no mayo) sandwich from Dominico's down town. I know it doesn't fall into my "diet" but I don't care, I'm cranky and hungry.
My head is completely shaved. My hair was still in place up to my 3 chemo but I was shedding like a dog! Little pieces of hair everywhere-step back from the kitchen please-yuck. The best way to maintain is to use an electric razor. It's great! I have bald spots that are not growing back but its a clean shave. Not too bad if I say so myself. Now to get some sun color on it. Still not doing baldy thing in public because of all the little kids. I don't think it's fair to subject them to something like this and force their parent to explain. There are adorable carefree children that don't need to be dreaded by what cancer is.
So at the service the other day for Alliy, it was the first time many people in the hood realized what was going one with me. Shocker for them and shocker for me because of the stares. We all got amessage out of the service for Alliy, life is precise. Enjoy every minute of it because you never know what will happen tomorrow and what decision a loved one or friend will make, we just hope it is a decision that allows them to be with us forever.
An acquaintance of ours had throat cancer and has now spread to his lungs and lymph nodes. He was doing a very aggressive form of chemo but he had been researching a diet that has "cured" people of cancer. He has made the decision to stop chemo and rely solely on this diet. It is Cancer Cure in in the Food, Oxaclic Acid or called Hart Dietary Procedure Plan. In his note to us he mentions he found God and then the miracles began to happen. He found this diet that will help him since the Dr.'s can not. Whether this will help him or not is in question, other then it takes a strong individual to turn away and break the social norm of conventional medicine to find an answer to live. It is his answer and his soul has agreed since there is no turning back because he wants to live. If he believes this is the way, there is no Dr. or person who could persuade him not too. He has found a calm in his inner soul on his path. We hope this decision is right but only time will tell.
My decision to use homeopathic drops and other alternative medicines, I also a broke away from social norms. Do I think it is helping me, don't know but it gives me a calm to think it is something I am doing to help me conquer the risk of cancer reoccurring. Changing my diet, exercise and such are all decisions I have made that give me an inner peace because I want to live longer. My decisions now are different then what I did a year ago because there is an inner calm that is helping me follow the right path. chemo for me is a small part of creating a nonoccurence but this event will and has created a huge impact on me and my family. I simply want to live and I will do anything to do it.
Then there are those who have made a decision that will perplex us to the point of heartache. A decision is made by a person that affects so many people but at the time, they may not think it will impact a broad range of people. They are searching for something to calm their soul. Our above mentioned friend found God and his new diet, I find calm in the support of my husband and my decisions to help me through therapy because I know I will come to an end and live. These decisions are in the hope of living because any other obstacle out there is not as great as our will to live.
On the other hand, sometimes decisions are made to end a life by their choice. In our Town last week we had that unfortunately happen to a 15 yer old young lady. I refer to her as "our" because she and our kids grow together. Same swim team, neighborhood, school, social events etc. All the kids in the neighborhood belong to us since we have known them for so long. Our Alliy's decision to end her life has affected all of us who knew her and her parents. She was an incredible young lady. Striving to be the best and showing all of us her bright and cheery side. Down inside there must have been something not right. She had something that so many of us that have/had cancer would give anything to have, that she made the decision to release, the will to live. In a split second, she choose to end it. Her decision was a deviant from one of the greatest social norms in our society and now we wonder, was there something we could have done to help her? We only hope with her decision, she reached a point that her soul was happy. We wonder if she would have held out longer, through the help of Dr.'s she could have gotten help and her decision would have been different. A difference we all would rather have embraced. Her decision to end her life was made by her. Her inner soul must have come to some sort of peace to make that final decision. It just is so tragic since there are so many of us doing everything we can to endure the pain of chemo and other treatments to live. Alliy's pain must have been different but her disease if it had been found early like ours, she could have been one of us, doing everything we can to live. Now we can only offer support to who she left behind, her family. They will never be the same but we are here to help them. We have made the decision to help them keep on living.
So, I'm at the start of chemo 3. Hoping for the best. I started all the meds earlier. Feeling loopy. Drinking lots of water. This go around I asked for fluids in an IV before we started to help hydrate me more-anything to help with the constipation issues! I have figured out the medicine so I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to take it. It balances the 9pm hour and the early morning hour which is perfect for me. Still following the same stuff, anticonstipation meds, Emend for 2 days, Ativan, Lonestran (? spelling), Claritan D 24 hours, Meusenex (?spelling), homeopathic drops 4x daily, Tylenol as needed for head aches, Occasionally I add heartburn medicine, Veggie juice with flax seedoil, ....did I miss anything? Ohh yea...my turkey, jack, cranberry (no mayo) sandwich from Dominico's down town. I know it doesn't fall into my "diet" but I don't care, I'm cranky and hungry.
My head is completely shaved. My hair was still in place up to my 3 chemo but I was shedding like a dog! Little pieces of hair everywhere-step back from the kitchen please-yuck. The best way to maintain is to use an electric razor. It's great! I have bald spots that are not growing back but its a clean shave. Not too bad if I say so myself. Now to get some sun color on it. Still not doing baldy thing in public because of all the little kids. I don't think it's fair to subject them to something like this and force their parent to explain. There are adorable carefree children that don't need to be dreaded by what cancer is.
So at the service the other day for Alliy, it was the first time many people in the hood realized what was going one with me. Shocker for them and shocker for me because of the stares. We all got amessage out of the service for Alliy, life is precise. Enjoy every minute of it because you never know what will happen tomorrow and what decision a loved one or friend will make, we just hope it is a decision that allows them to be with us forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)