I have a relationship with three men in my life other then my husband. All of these men hold a special place in my heart. All three men have watched me cry and quietly handed me a box of tissue. I have disclosed secrets to all three of them that only my husband knows. They know of each other and I know they have talked about me with each other. My husband has met all of them a few times. I've been there when they have met. I've watched them communicate to each other, sometimes even sharing a laugh. It has been difficult being in the same room when my husband is with any of them. They are always so matter of fact about the topic of conversation we discuss. Sometimes my husband will ask questions, and they are so patient with him, all the while talking to both of us. When we are together with one of these men, he will exchange looks with both my husband and I but usually the conversation always ends with my husband and him looking at me. I can't help but smile for the attention.
My relationship with two of these men started three years ago. I became tired of one of them and ended our relationship after a few months. His attention was making me sick, so I made the decision to stop accepting his calls. I simply ignored them and finally he got the hint. Did it have an impact on my life? I didn't think so at the time. I was done with our relationship. I wanted to move on with my life. After our relationship ended, I started to feel better. I thought I had made the right decision. When I reflect back to what I did, ending our relationship early, it may have been a mistake. Now after starting once again with him, I am more patient. I return his calls and we have started to rebuild our relationship, slowly. Maybe I have matured in these three years because I know he only wants the best for me.
I've had a relationship with one of the other men for three years as well. He was different. I would return his calls and see him sometimes once a year. Our relationship became more serious at the beginning of this year. I would leave my kitchen table at dinner to take his calls. My husband knew about him but just accepted the fact. Once this man came to visit me at 10pm at night. I chided him for being out so late but I secretly was happy to see him. He had something to tell me. The rush of euphoria of what he told me was like nothing I had ever felt. After this night time visit, our relationship changed. I had hoped to end this relationship as well but unfortunately what he told me that night was not right. He found out some more details and called me after our night meeting to let me know. I knew after this phone call I could not leave him. I needed our relationship even more.
The newest man in my life I met only a couple months ago. Our relationship started slow but now we see each other every week. This is a relationship that I know will not last. I am going to use him and once I've reached a certain point, I will no longer call him and I think he will be OK with that. I know he see's a lot of women and I am one of many. What do all these women want from him? A reassurance that he can shape and mold them into something they once were like. I know that's what I want from him now. He gives me the gift of feeling like a woman.
All of these men are so important in my life right now. They take up a lot of time but I'm learning to be patient with my relationships. I need to listen to them. My husband has accepted these relationships. He says what ever makes me happy and keeps me around is all that he cares and if it involves three other men, he's fine with that. My relationship with each of these men is by no means a physical relationship, although I have allowed two of them to see me topless. There is no physical attraction by me to any of them other then when I see them, I automatically smile.
I feel these three men are going to save my life with the words and actions they share with me. Who are these men that I welcome into my life? They are my Doctor's. I have breast cancer again or I should say, I had breast cancer, twice now. I battled breast cancer three years ago, Ductal Carcinoma In Stiu (DCIS). I had a lumpectomy, radiation and started but stopped taking a hormone drug my oncologist suggested. This drug made me sick so I stopped taking it. January of this year, an area of concern was found in the other breast. It was confirmed. Breast cancer again. This time it was called Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC). This breast cancer is difficult to find by mammograms. It can be better detected by ultrasound or self examination.
My night time visit by one of them, my breast cancer doctor, was by my hospital bed the night of my double mastectomy at San Ramon Regional Hospital. I like to think he was checking on me but I've found out through my time with him and others he has many other patients that he takes care of, some in much worse predicaments then me. The rush of the adrenaline from the secret he shared with me that night was magnified by the morphine I was on. The good news unfortunately was not to be. Further tests showed the tumor to be larger then expected as well as lymph node involvement. What he was able to give me though, after more tests, was the ability to say at this time there is no other cancer tumors in me right now. He removed the tumor that covered almost my entire breast. A gift that no other man could give me.
The two other men, my breast reconstruction Dr. and my oncologist I see quite often. My reconstruction Dr. views me as a piece of art, sometimes I wonder if he spends more time looking at his creation then my face, but I'm OK with that. He makes me smile as he looks at his work of art that I will share with my husband one day. He is trying to shape and mold me into something I once was, a woman.
My relationship with my oncologist is now intensifying. Although there is no cancer in my body, there could be cells hiding somewhere, waiting. Although three years ago he made me sick, I realize now as I have matured, it meant the medicine was working, protecting me from having cancer again. Did me stopping the medicine have an impact on my reoccurrence, no one can say. My relationship with him will become much more serious in the upcoming months as I move through chemo. There will be days I will cry hearing his voice knowing what is ahead of me for the week when I receive my chemo treatments. In the end, I will have to take the hormone medicine I started three years ago but this time I won't quit. I know he will be able to give me the gift of a very low reoccurrence of cancer in my body.
I plan on ending my relationship with my reconstruction Dr. within the year. As for the other two, there is a long term relationship plan with them but hopefully over time, I'll phase one of them out. The one Dr. who visited me at night, will always be in my life, with follow up check-ups. A reminder of this time I spent with these three men.
I do know of the four most important men in my life right now, I am thankful that three of them have given me the ability to spend the rest of my life with the one single most important man in my life, my husband. Will I forget about the other three men? Never. I will silently thank them during the milestones of my life; my children's graduations, the holidays, my anniversaries, children's weddings, trips around the world to places I want to discover and most importantly, when I hold my grandchildren in my arms. My "affairs" have given me the greatest gift that I am so thankful for, my life.
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