So far things have been going good with the kids. A few weepy eyes around surgery time watching mom struggling and for Brock and Alex seeing me in the hospital the night of the surgery with oxygen tubes up my nose and not able to lift a glass of water was a bit tough and upsetting for them. Only their close friends know that I had breast cancer and some don't know that I will be starting chemo and radiation...but that won't be a secret for long.
Frank and I sat all 4 kids down the other night and explained what chemo is and how it will affect me. They all seemed to "get it" but we thought that also with Alex when I explained the mastectomy to her and twice she asked "did you have that surgery done yet" making it quite clear, she didn't get it. Our greatest fear with the kids as I become bald is the perception of, if your having chemo your going to die. Kids will say the meanest things at times, not that they mean it, just that they are not thinking. Grant had an incident just the other day where one of the girls came up to him and threw her arms around him and said "I'm so sorry that your mom has cancer. I feel so bad for you." He apparently responded, "my mom had cancer and they removed it and now she is fine. She has to do some other stuff to keep her safe but she's fine so don't worry". How do I know all this? He told me on one of our many drives to swim practice. I asked him are you upset by this? He had said no it just was weird. Well honey, get used to it.
It's not going to be a secret for much longer that I had cancer since I will lose my hair and the whole world will know. When we explained chemo to the kids we went into detail what people used to think about chemo, that people thought you were going to die. We also explained that just a few years ago, the side effects from chemo were debilitating for people but there is medicine now to help people work thru it so the side effects are not as bad. We also told them you will see a difference in me. I will be very tired and I may have some side effects on top of losing my hair that they will see happen to me but remember I'm fine and I'll get better. What we are afraid of hearing from kids is, "is your mom dieing?". Anyone hearing that no matter how much we have prepped them, can't help but have that statement hit a nerve.
We also told them it will be crucial to keep our house clean and sterile. When they get home from school first thing they do is wash their hands with warm water and soap. No friends are allowed over if their sick and when friends do come visit, first thing, wash hands. We have told the kids if one of them gets sick, they have to wear a mask near me, especially the days after my chemo. I am no longer picking up the dog poop, changing liter boxes, picking up dead mice-gifts from the cats, or digging out in the yard all because the risk of some type of bacteria could harm me. They have to step up on doing their chores since I won't be covering for them any more. I have also told them, I can't stay out at swim meets or waterpolo tournaments since I can't risk the sun exposure. I don't want to be in public places or go to potlucks because the risk of germs is too great for me to become sick.
I asked them their feelings about me wearing a wig or scarves. They all agreed that they prefer to see me in a scarf or hat rather then a wig. I have started the process of cutting my hair and making it shorter little by little. I think this way it is less traumatic for them once I am down to a military buzz and finally bald.
I have tried to be as open with them as I can and explaining procedures but trying to explain to Grant a 16 year old boy about breast expander's can be a tricky topic but since he is stuck in the car with me, he can't escape. I want the kids to understand what is going on in case someone asks questions and they can answer without being hesitant. The more informed about what is happening I think the better. I have answers now unlike a few months ago when I was waiting for results from tests. The not knowing was awful for me and stressful. Frank did say he was amazed at how calm I have been through all of this. Usually when I'm stressed I get snappy but no signs of it. Maybe I'm just emotionally tired?
The big test will be when we are in a public place and people stare. I know people will because I was guilty of doing this. I would see a woman who obviously was going thru chemo and think, "oh my God she has cancer. She's so young. Her poor kids" Now people will think that of me. I sometimes think I should wear a tee shirt that says every piece of info on it about me but I guess that would really make people stare, especially those that are close to my age and can't see very well.
So going forward I think they will fine. They are reassured I will be fine and return back to mom status once this is all done. One benefit of all this is now my kids come to me and say "good night, I love you" instead of me searching them down and saying it. I even get text's from Grant late at night saying good night and I love you....so a positive in a negative revisits me again.
So I think we are good, for now.
April 30, 2011
April 27, 2011
Alternative therapy and the hippy in me
You would think growing up in Santa Cruz California I would be all over the concept of alternative medicine. The closest I ever came to that was when I walked into the Cooper House on the Pacific Garden Mall and would stop at the incense store. I also thought this stuff was hookahs pokas. Now I've started to rethink all the alternative medicine.
I have found a woman locally who is a certified homeopathic nutritionist. Leni Felton CCN. She is helping me get my body ready for chemo and endure chemo. The alternative medicine she suggests will be in addition to the chemo regimen and side effect drugs prescribed for me. Her purpose is to have my body and internal organs be able to accept the drugs, process, and eliminate then in a timely and effective manner. She also will suggest a diet that will allow the chemo drugs to be processed and eliminated in an efficient manner with less strain on my body.
I filled out a questionnaire that covered all my past illnesses and surgeries. My diet, liquid intake, bowel movement (cancer and the baggage it brings seems to allow you share everything with everyone), allergies, mental state, etc., etc. She also is asking to have additional blood work info done. She wants to have a blood test done that shows the level and various types of toxins in my blood stream. It seems my fat tissue stores toxins from over 30 some years ago. Interesting concept since maybe this might open more of a reason of why 2 breast cancers in 3 years...but then again if it was this simple to determine breast cancer, we wouldn't get breast cancer.
I have started working on making my body drain, not cleanse but drain. There are certain things I am to do and consume every day to help my internal organs become used to this process and to make my organs "clean" before chemo starts. I will have to drink 4 quarts of liquid a day. This is a mix of a 1 quart water, 1 quart drainage brew ( 1 quart water, fresh lemon juice from 1 lemon, stevia for taste, and pinch of cayenne (this is to stop after chemo starts)), and 1 quart tea (nettle tea), and 1 quart whatever liquid. That's a lot of liquid and a lot of bathroom stops.
My diet 3 days before and after chemo is to consist of no meat protein. I am also to move away from gluten and dairy products. All this is so my stomach, liver, kidney, colon, and lymph system can pass the chemo drugs more easily through my body. So what does this leave me to eat? I was getting hungry just thinking about this! Lots of vegetables, legumes, whey protein, fruit, fish. I can drink almond milk for my calcium needs. I already juice with Frank so we will still have our 2 glasses of fresh pressed veggie juice. We juice green apples, carrots, beets, celery, parsley, kale, spinach, 1" of fresh ginger. We add raw honey to keep the enzymes of the veggies fresh...this will stop once chemo begins since the raw honey may have germs that I can not fight off.
Leni has also suggested a caster oil pack once a day. This is where I laugh to myself because I feel like a quack but if it works it can't hurt.... So you get a wool piece of material (purchase at a health food store) and soak it in castor bean oil. Place this piece of material over your liver, layer with a plastic cover ( you can buy this caster oil pack that velcros around your body) and a warm compress on top of the plastic. What does this do? It is suppose to cause the oil to be absorbed into the body and allows your organs and lymph system to drain. How does it work...I really don't know other then I have researched it and it seems to be on the up and up. I am to lay down for an hour while this soaks in. I then am to transfer to my back area or my kidneys and do the same. Where in the day I'm supposed to find time to do this, I don't know but I'll make time right before bed. Weird but I'll give it a try.
Leni has given me mineral/plant derivative drops as well that I am to use. These again work with my body to help my body move the chemo drugs efficiently through. Am I just going to take her word on all this stuff? No. I am going to make a copy of all the minerals and what their make up is and send it to the oncologist. The last thing I want is to do something that inhibits the chemo drugs from working their magic 100% or to cause an allergic reaction. She has suggested the following: Unda 20, Unda 2, Unda 48, Unda 243, and Itires Oral drops.
I also will continue with my tablespoon of Flaxseed Oil and I am now taking probiotic pills. There are so many articles on the web about Flax Seed oil and Probiotics that you can easily research the various reasons why it won't hurt to try it.
Another therapy mentioned is acupuncture. There recently was an article that mentioned acupuncture helps women who are taking Tamoxifen with their heat flashes. There has been some research to show it also helps with chemo side effects. Even though I have birthed 4 children (one being 10lbs, 9oz- my badge of glory) the thought of needles being stuck in me is not my idea of a good time...who knows maybe I will give it whirl.
There also is another alternative therapy called cranial manipulation. It has not been proven to cure cancer but rather help people who have cancer relax. Depending on which website you read, some do swear that it does something to the body and others suggest it's just another "in your head" therapies. Whichever, if it helps, find someone who specializes in it and do it. I have made contact with someone in Lafayette who does this but right now I'm kinda over my self prescribed alternative medicine limit so maybe I'll wait on this one.
Of course the topic comes up, how about getting a medical marijuana card? At this point, I think I'll pass.
There have been some folk remedies that I remember as a kid that are coming back to haunt me as I learn more about the homeopathic way. As a kid both Frank and I remember using a wool sock tied around our throats to make our sore throats feel better...wool is a natural heat insulator. It holds heat better then cotton so the heat on the throat helped a sore throat, or so we thought because that's what our parents said, and that's what their parents told them. Maybe it was because both sets of parents grew up on farms that they were familiar with this type of home remedy and it was used generation after generation. Who knows, but I never did think the sock helped, it just made my neck itch. Another folk remedy I remember as a kid was honey for sore throats. I remember it soothing the scratchy throat. This did help and I still use it to this day. The woman at the health food store also suggested adding raw honey to our juice to help keep the enzymes of the veggies from deteriorating, interesting fact...
I do have to say, since I have changed my diet, started juicing, exercising more, my hair is really healthy and strong. My nails which used to be brittle are also stronger and growing...to the point I've had to cut them which I never used to do since they would just break. Maybe it was the strong antibiotics, maybe it is my diet now what ever it is I do feel sad that I'm going to miss this feeling of feeling good. Yes the coconuts are an ever present feeling on my chest but even the tightness of them has started to be less noticeable.
I can only hope everything I'm doing now is going to help me get through the next few months of chemo and after that radiation.
I've started "the haircuts". I've cut my hair now in an A line cut. The back of my neck is cold! Next week I go real short and once I start to lose my hair, Grant has called dibs on shaving my head. That will be odd since I'm usually the one shaving his head for swimming. I know my hair will grow back once it is all done. So, on the road to chemo start...
I have found a woman locally who is a certified homeopathic nutritionist. Leni Felton CCN. She is helping me get my body ready for chemo and endure chemo. The alternative medicine she suggests will be in addition to the chemo regimen and side effect drugs prescribed for me. Her purpose is to have my body and internal organs be able to accept the drugs, process, and eliminate then in a timely and effective manner. She also will suggest a diet that will allow the chemo drugs to be processed and eliminated in an efficient manner with less strain on my body.
I filled out a questionnaire that covered all my past illnesses and surgeries. My diet, liquid intake, bowel movement (cancer and the baggage it brings seems to allow you share everything with everyone), allergies, mental state, etc., etc. She also is asking to have additional blood work info done. She wants to have a blood test done that shows the level and various types of toxins in my blood stream. It seems my fat tissue stores toxins from over 30 some years ago. Interesting concept since maybe this might open more of a reason of why 2 breast cancers in 3 years...but then again if it was this simple to determine breast cancer, we wouldn't get breast cancer.
I have started working on making my body drain, not cleanse but drain. There are certain things I am to do and consume every day to help my internal organs become used to this process and to make my organs "clean" before chemo starts. I will have to drink 4 quarts of liquid a day. This is a mix of a 1 quart water, 1 quart drainage brew ( 1 quart water, fresh lemon juice from 1 lemon, stevia for taste, and pinch of cayenne (this is to stop after chemo starts)), and 1 quart tea (nettle tea), and 1 quart whatever liquid. That's a lot of liquid and a lot of bathroom stops.
My diet 3 days before and after chemo is to consist of no meat protein. I am also to move away from gluten and dairy products. All this is so my stomach, liver, kidney, colon, and lymph system can pass the chemo drugs more easily through my body. So what does this leave me to eat? I was getting hungry just thinking about this! Lots of vegetables, legumes, whey protein, fruit, fish. I can drink almond milk for my calcium needs. I already juice with Frank so we will still have our 2 glasses of fresh pressed veggie juice. We juice green apples, carrots, beets, celery, parsley, kale, spinach, 1" of fresh ginger. We add raw honey to keep the enzymes of the veggies fresh...this will stop once chemo begins since the raw honey may have germs that I can not fight off.
Leni has also suggested a caster oil pack once a day. This is where I laugh to myself because I feel like a quack but if it works it can't hurt.... So you get a wool piece of material (purchase at a health food store) and soak it in castor bean oil. Place this piece of material over your liver, layer with a plastic cover ( you can buy this caster oil pack that velcros around your body) and a warm compress on top of the plastic. What does this do? It is suppose to cause the oil to be absorbed into the body and allows your organs and lymph system to drain. How does it work...I really don't know other then I have researched it and it seems to be on the up and up. I am to lay down for an hour while this soaks in. I then am to transfer to my back area or my kidneys and do the same. Where in the day I'm supposed to find time to do this, I don't know but I'll make time right before bed. Weird but I'll give it a try.
Leni has given me mineral/plant derivative drops as well that I am to use. These again work with my body to help my body move the chemo drugs efficiently through. Am I just going to take her word on all this stuff? No. I am going to make a copy of all the minerals and what their make up is and send it to the oncologist. The last thing I want is to do something that inhibits the chemo drugs from working their magic 100% or to cause an allergic reaction. She has suggested the following: Unda 20, Unda 2, Unda 48, Unda 243, and Itires Oral drops.
I also will continue with my tablespoon of Flaxseed Oil and I am now taking probiotic pills. There are so many articles on the web about Flax Seed oil and Probiotics that you can easily research the various reasons why it won't hurt to try it.
Another therapy mentioned is acupuncture. There recently was an article that mentioned acupuncture helps women who are taking Tamoxifen with their heat flashes. There has been some research to show it also helps with chemo side effects. Even though I have birthed 4 children (one being 10lbs, 9oz- my badge of glory) the thought of needles being stuck in me is not my idea of a good time...who knows maybe I will give it whirl.
There also is another alternative therapy called cranial manipulation. It has not been proven to cure cancer but rather help people who have cancer relax. Depending on which website you read, some do swear that it does something to the body and others suggest it's just another "in your head" therapies. Whichever, if it helps, find someone who specializes in it and do it. I have made contact with someone in Lafayette who does this but right now I'm kinda over my self prescribed alternative medicine limit so maybe I'll wait on this one.
Of course the topic comes up, how about getting a medical marijuana card? At this point, I think I'll pass.
There have been some folk remedies that I remember as a kid that are coming back to haunt me as I learn more about the homeopathic way. As a kid both Frank and I remember using a wool sock tied around our throats to make our sore throats feel better...wool is a natural heat insulator. It holds heat better then cotton so the heat on the throat helped a sore throat, or so we thought because that's what our parents said, and that's what their parents told them. Maybe it was because both sets of parents grew up on farms that they were familiar with this type of home remedy and it was used generation after generation. Who knows, but I never did think the sock helped, it just made my neck itch. Another folk remedy I remember as a kid was honey for sore throats. I remember it soothing the scratchy throat. This did help and I still use it to this day. The woman at the health food store also suggested adding raw honey to our juice to help keep the enzymes of the veggies from deteriorating, interesting fact...
I do have to say, since I have changed my diet, started juicing, exercising more, my hair is really healthy and strong. My nails which used to be brittle are also stronger and growing...to the point I've had to cut them which I never used to do since they would just break. Maybe it was the strong antibiotics, maybe it is my diet now what ever it is I do feel sad that I'm going to miss this feeling of feeling good. Yes the coconuts are an ever present feeling on my chest but even the tightness of them has started to be less noticeable.
I can only hope everything I'm doing now is going to help me get through the next few months of chemo and after that radiation.
I've started "the haircuts". I've cut my hair now in an A line cut. The back of my neck is cold! Next week I go real short and once I start to lose my hair, Grant has called dibs on shaving my head. That will be odd since I'm usually the one shaving his head for swimming. I know my hair will grow back once it is all done. So, on the road to chemo start...
April 19, 2011
latestmedical.com A short cut down the path of breast cancer information
During this journey of mine I have found there is a path women like me follow. Your diagnosed. Your in shock. Your scared beyond words. You become empowered to find out everything you can.
The information you find can lead you to various websites from cancer forums, to research findings, to obscure health/meditate pages, and to people's blogs. During my journey I have discovered other women follow the same path searching for information. You type into google your type of breast cancer. As you find out more information about the type of breast cancer you have, you add things to your search which leads you to more detailed information.
What are you searching for? Someone like you. You want to find out what they did, what drugs they took, what treatment options they went for, and ultimately if their still alive. My darkest days was the week after my double mastectomy when I received the results from the pathology report. My tumor was 11cm, much larger then my local Dr. and UCSF had anticipated. I had micro micrometastatic cells in one sentinel lymph node determined through immunochemistry and 4 other aux. nodes were clear. I wanted to find someone like me who can answer questions like: So what does this all mean? Is it a death sentence having a huge tumor? Did the micrometastatic cells really mean lymph node involvement? Is chemo in my game plan now? These were all questions I asked my Dr. and asked my 2nd opinion Dr. but I wanted to find "real" people who had experienced it.
My searching brought me to various websites. My worst day of searching was when I found someone who only had one matching characteristic like mine. She had passed away 2 weeks prior. Her blog had a candle burning in memory of her. I literally lost it. Was this person like me with the same type of cancer? Not even close. There was one characteristic that matched my cancer, that was it. During my search and postings on forums, I did find someone like me in every respect including age. Her treatment option was to do nothing. No Chemo, No hormone treatments, No radiation. All she did was change her diet, exercise, and meditate. She had already passed her 3 year mark of nonreoccurance. Was I going to follow her lead. No, but it was someone I did want to follow to see what happens to her and her radical approach to our breast cancer.
I also found someone kinda like me. She did not have the same type of cancer as me but when I read her blog, she expressed the same thoughts and concerns as me. She was my age and was about 2 months ahead in dealing with her mastectomy and finally chemo. It was reassuring to read about someone who had made it thru ahead of me. I also was contacted my a woman who had read one of my questions/concerns in a forum where I expressed my concerns about having a double mastectomy. She felt the same way as I did weeks prior. I had already worked my way through this part of my journey but she was just starting and searching for someone like her and she found me.
I have tried to share with my friends what I have found out about my breast cancer hoping to educate and help someone who might end up on the same path as me. During one of the girl sessions one of my friends shared with another friend what was happening with me. This friend contacted me because she is working for a company that literally launched a breast cancer information website that day she was told about me! It is called Latest Medical. The purpose of the website was to help guide women like me to information that was tailored to fit me. The website allows me to put in my parameters on my breast cancer and then it creates a search of their "files" that apply to me. This helps weed out the websites that may not apply directly to me. My girlfriend said all the websites that the person is referred to are all legit websites, either research outcomes or general information. Her job is to find the data and filter it for the website. She spends her day reading the latest research papers, trials, or information websites on various drugs or screening applications. She then categorizes it for their search engine. There is a fee for this feature but you can still just search the website for general information for free.
Will it stop women from searching for other women like themselves? Probably not but it will just be a short cut to these women to find out more information about their breast cancer. I have already used it in my search for chemo information. I will again search when I start radiation. My greatest suggestion to the website that I mentioned to my girlfriend, is to create a forum that allows women with the same parameters to communicate to each other. That's all what we want is find someone like ourselves to help guide us down the path. That path may divide and take us to a cancer free future or a future of managing our cancer through our life but having someone else who is experiencing it with you helps.
The information you find can lead you to various websites from cancer forums, to research findings, to obscure health/meditate pages, and to people's blogs. During my journey I have discovered other women follow the same path searching for information. You type into google your type of breast cancer. As you find out more information about the type of breast cancer you have, you add things to your search which leads you to more detailed information.
What are you searching for? Someone like you. You want to find out what they did, what drugs they took, what treatment options they went for, and ultimately if their still alive. My darkest days was the week after my double mastectomy when I received the results from the pathology report. My tumor was 11cm, much larger then my local Dr. and UCSF had anticipated. I had micro micrometastatic cells in one sentinel lymph node determined through immunochemistry and 4 other aux. nodes were clear. I wanted to find someone like me who can answer questions like: So what does this all mean? Is it a death sentence having a huge tumor? Did the micrometastatic cells really mean lymph node involvement? Is chemo in my game plan now? These were all questions I asked my Dr. and asked my 2nd opinion Dr. but I wanted to find "real" people who had experienced it.
My searching brought me to various websites. My worst day of searching was when I found someone who only had one matching characteristic like mine. She had passed away 2 weeks prior. Her blog had a candle burning in memory of her. I literally lost it. Was this person like me with the same type of cancer? Not even close. There was one characteristic that matched my cancer, that was it. During my search and postings on forums, I did find someone like me in every respect including age. Her treatment option was to do nothing. No Chemo, No hormone treatments, No radiation. All she did was change her diet, exercise, and meditate. She had already passed her 3 year mark of nonreoccurance. Was I going to follow her lead. No, but it was someone I did want to follow to see what happens to her and her radical approach to our breast cancer.
I also found someone kinda like me. She did not have the same type of cancer as me but when I read her blog, she expressed the same thoughts and concerns as me. She was my age and was about 2 months ahead in dealing with her mastectomy and finally chemo. It was reassuring to read about someone who had made it thru ahead of me. I also was contacted my a woman who had read one of my questions/concerns in a forum where I expressed my concerns about having a double mastectomy. She felt the same way as I did weeks prior. I had already worked my way through this part of my journey but she was just starting and searching for someone like her and she found me.
I have tried to share with my friends what I have found out about my breast cancer hoping to educate and help someone who might end up on the same path as me. During one of the girl sessions one of my friends shared with another friend what was happening with me. This friend contacted me because she is working for a company that literally launched a breast cancer information website that day she was told about me! It is called Latest Medical. The purpose of the website was to help guide women like me to information that was tailored to fit me. The website allows me to put in my parameters on my breast cancer and then it creates a search of their "files" that apply to me. This helps weed out the websites that may not apply directly to me. My girlfriend said all the websites that the person is referred to are all legit websites, either research outcomes or general information. Her job is to find the data and filter it for the website. She spends her day reading the latest research papers, trials, or information websites on various drugs or screening applications. She then categorizes it for their search engine. There is a fee for this feature but you can still just search the website for general information for free.
Will it stop women from searching for other women like themselves? Probably not but it will just be a short cut to these women to find out more information about their breast cancer. I have already used it in my search for chemo information. I will again search when I start radiation. My greatest suggestion to the website that I mentioned to my girlfriend, is to create a forum that allows women with the same parameters to communicate to each other. That's all what we want is find someone like ourselves to help guide us down the path. That path may divide and take us to a cancer free future or a future of managing our cancer through our life but having someone else who is experiencing it with you helps.
April 15, 2011
Follow up 5 weeks post double mastectomy/getting ready for chemo
Well, things are going good. I have almost full range movement of my arms. I am not allowed to swim yet since the incisions have not completely healed. I've had 3 fills (1 in surgery, 2 after) and I will have 2 more fills. The fills are 2oz each time, each side. There really is no pain just a little discomfort for 24 hours after. I have an expander placed under my muscle in my chest on both sides. It feels like a tight tank top and it is not soft and kinda hard but my body has adjusted to it well. I found myself lieing on my side the other night-yea...the small joys in life! So how do they fill me you ask? There are ports which are best described as a rubber top that covers a hole into the expander. The Dr. punctures it with needle and them slowly fills the expander. Because it is a rubber type material, the hole closes once the needle is taken out so no fluid is lost. Do I feel it, nope. Is it freakish? Yep. I keep my eyes closed.
My CAT/PET came up clear. Meaning there are no tumors or lesions in my body right now. Does it mean there is no cancer in my body? No. It can only pick up fast dividing cells of a certain size so I could have cancer cellS floating around in me waiting. That's what chemo and radiation are for...to kill these single cells floating. What I did find out is I have gall stones. F*&k! Really, one more thing! They don't bother me but they are triggered by fatty foods and alcohol....another reason to eat healthy. Nothing to worry about unless they bother me, so says the Dr. He also told me I need to have a colonoscopy! He says women over the age of 45 should start having them. Because of my issues, I should start earlier. He suggested doing it this year since my deductible has been met...he suggested Dec. 30th. I have news for him.... I have plans and they don't involve him looking up my butt on Dec. 30th.
Chemo is a done deal. I go in on the 29th to have my chemo port put in. This is out patient surgery but I'm still under so I don't see or feel anything. The port will be placed below my collarbone about 2 inches on my right side. It will be under the skin so no one will see it. It will only be a small bump maybe the size of a penny. It has a tube that runs from it into a large vein that runs from my neck and chest into my heart area. The force of my heart pumping, pushes the drug quicker thru my veins, that way it dispenses the drug quicker into my blood system causing less problems for my vein near the port entry. The severity of the drugs used cause serious damage to your veins, collapsing them if they are a smaller vein. The port will also be used to collect blood samples and if medicine is administered, it is another way to receive it quicker.
The chemo regime I am on is called ACT. Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol. How aggressive is this chemo cocktail group, apparently strong, which scares me. I will be given one type of medicine for a certain time then work to the next one for the last of the sessions. This will be every 2 weeks on Thursday at 9:00am. It will take a few hours for the injection and then I go home. There are a few things I have to do to get myself ready for the procedure each time which I'll cover in another blog. This regime will continue for 4 months or 8 sessions. I will lose all my hair after the 2nd session or 14 days in. I lose everything.....eyebrows, eyelashes, arm hair, leg hair, and yea, down there too, that hair. Freakish thought with all this. I'm OK with losing the head hair but losing my eyebrows and eye lashes is what bothers me the most. I assume I can pencil in my brows and wear fake eye lashes but what a hassle.
I've told the kids and we all have been working thru this. Been hat shopping with the kids and found some cute ones. What is going to kill me and I tear up each time I think about this is, I will be bald for Alex's high school graduation. Someone suggested a wig. I don't know about going that route but I'll look into it. You all know me, I'm a low maintaince type person.
Someone said to me, your so positive through this. Your amazing. Well as I responded, possibly to you reading, what else am I going to do? Sit in a corner and cry (I've already done that btw). It is what it is. There's nothing I can change other then go thru all this crap to make sure my odds of reoccurence are low. Yea, it bums me out watching life go on around me...people taking trips, having dinner parties, working at sporting events that my kids are in and I can only sit on the sideline watching and sometimes I can't even do that. It does get depressing but it will be over soon. I just hope the side effects will be very low so my life doesn't stop. The nurse was saying my greatest side effect will be exhaustion, especially the few days after the injection. Maybe I can take Ambien continously for 3 days and just sleep through this part and wake up on Monday "new". Not going to happen so I gotta deal with it. My other worry is the mouth sores that are a side effect. Because the drug attacks soft tissue, this tissue is more at risk for irritation. I get cold sores easily and I'm terrified of this. Sometimes they say it can be so bad you can't talk or swallow since the sores are everywhere in your mouth and down the throat. I've been researching and people say sucking on ice or Popsicles during the time of receiving the drug helps. Also rinsing with baking soda and water 4 times a day before during and after the treatment.
I have so far 6 drugs that have been prescribed for me to counter the side effects of chemo. I will also be getting shots of other drugs that are to counter the side effects. All of these are either to make the port area numb before treatment, stop nausea, stop vomiting, calm anxiety, increase bone density, etc., etc. So how am I supposed to keep track of all this? A chemo calendar is made for me that I follow. It lists by day and by hour what I'm supposed to take. It is my bible to get thru this.
I have also made my own calendar since I have to plan my life around 2 week intervals. We start the chemo specifically planned around alex's graduation. I will be healthy, but bald, for this major event. Unfortunately I will be sick on 4th of July, bummer. Life goes on.
Yikes I forgot to tell you my Oncotype DX score was 9! BIG DEAL. This test takes the tissue from the tumor and they do their magic thing of dividing genes/cells and can determine the likelihood of cancer reoccurrence in my body from the original tumor. My score was very low (based on 1-100 score). This score usually helps women determine if they need chemo or not. Low score, like mine, no chemo. So why am I having chemo still? My tumor was huge, 11cm. That's what throws me into this more aggressive zone. It was a lazy tumor that enjoyed hanging around the party zone in my breast and just grew there. It finally had some drunk stragglers who wandered off and passed out in my lymph node, only making it to the front entry of the node.
Again a mental reassurance to me I am going to live a long and healthy life if I do everything I can now to treat it. It is still surreal thinking I had cancer and if not caught when I did, I could have died. Yea, yea, you could cross the street tomorrow and get hit by a car. But to have a piece of paper placed in front of you giving your mortality statistics within 5 years (50% death rate!!) and 10 years, is possibly the worst mind blowing thing I have ever faced. It's just hard to grasp. Other people have cancer. Other people have double mastectomies and chemo, not me.
So that's it for now. Doing fine. Enjoying all the free lunches. That's one benefit of going through this, everyone wants to buy me lunch. Before I would have said, let's split, but now, what the heck, let them buy me lunch!
My CAT/PET came up clear. Meaning there are no tumors or lesions in my body right now. Does it mean there is no cancer in my body? No. It can only pick up fast dividing cells of a certain size so I could have cancer cellS floating around in me waiting. That's what chemo and radiation are for...to kill these single cells floating. What I did find out is I have gall stones. F*&k! Really, one more thing! They don't bother me but they are triggered by fatty foods and alcohol....another reason to eat healthy. Nothing to worry about unless they bother me, so says the Dr. He also told me I need to have a colonoscopy! He says women over the age of 45 should start having them. Because of my issues, I should start earlier. He suggested doing it this year since my deductible has been met...he suggested Dec. 30th. I have news for him.... I have plans and they don't involve him looking up my butt on Dec. 30th.
Chemo is a done deal. I go in on the 29th to have my chemo port put in. This is out patient surgery but I'm still under so I don't see or feel anything. The port will be placed below my collarbone about 2 inches on my right side. It will be under the skin so no one will see it. It will only be a small bump maybe the size of a penny. It has a tube that runs from it into a large vein that runs from my neck and chest into my heart area. The force of my heart pumping, pushes the drug quicker thru my veins, that way it dispenses the drug quicker into my blood system causing less problems for my vein near the port entry. The severity of the drugs used cause serious damage to your veins, collapsing them if they are a smaller vein. The port will also be used to collect blood samples and if medicine is administered, it is another way to receive it quicker.
The chemo regime I am on is called ACT. Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol. How aggressive is this chemo cocktail group, apparently strong, which scares me. I will be given one type of medicine for a certain time then work to the next one for the last of the sessions. This will be every 2 weeks on Thursday at 9:00am. It will take a few hours for the injection and then I go home. There are a few things I have to do to get myself ready for the procedure each time which I'll cover in another blog. This regime will continue for 4 months or 8 sessions. I will lose all my hair after the 2nd session or 14 days in. I lose everything.....eyebrows, eyelashes, arm hair, leg hair, and yea, down there too, that hair. Freakish thought with all this. I'm OK with losing the head hair but losing my eyebrows and eye lashes is what bothers me the most. I assume I can pencil in my brows and wear fake eye lashes but what a hassle.
I've told the kids and we all have been working thru this. Been hat shopping with the kids and found some cute ones. What is going to kill me and I tear up each time I think about this is, I will be bald for Alex's high school graduation. Someone suggested a wig. I don't know about going that route but I'll look into it. You all know me, I'm a low maintaince type person.
Someone said to me, your so positive through this. Your amazing. Well as I responded, possibly to you reading, what else am I going to do? Sit in a corner and cry (I've already done that btw). It is what it is. There's nothing I can change other then go thru all this crap to make sure my odds of reoccurence are low. Yea, it bums me out watching life go on around me...people taking trips, having dinner parties, working at sporting events that my kids are in and I can only sit on the sideline watching and sometimes I can't even do that. It does get depressing but it will be over soon. I just hope the side effects will be very low so my life doesn't stop. The nurse was saying my greatest side effect will be exhaustion, especially the few days after the injection. Maybe I can take Ambien continously for 3 days and just sleep through this part and wake up on Monday "new". Not going to happen so I gotta deal with it. My other worry is the mouth sores that are a side effect. Because the drug attacks soft tissue, this tissue is more at risk for irritation. I get cold sores easily and I'm terrified of this. Sometimes they say it can be so bad you can't talk or swallow since the sores are everywhere in your mouth and down the throat. I've been researching and people say sucking on ice or Popsicles during the time of receiving the drug helps. Also rinsing with baking soda and water 4 times a day before during and after the treatment.
I have so far 6 drugs that have been prescribed for me to counter the side effects of chemo. I will also be getting shots of other drugs that are to counter the side effects. All of these are either to make the port area numb before treatment, stop nausea, stop vomiting, calm anxiety, increase bone density, etc., etc. So how am I supposed to keep track of all this? A chemo calendar is made for me that I follow. It lists by day and by hour what I'm supposed to take. It is my bible to get thru this.
I have also made my own calendar since I have to plan my life around 2 week intervals. We start the chemo specifically planned around alex's graduation. I will be healthy, but bald, for this major event. Unfortunately I will be sick on 4th of July, bummer. Life goes on.
Yikes I forgot to tell you my Oncotype DX score was 9! BIG DEAL. This test takes the tissue from the tumor and they do their magic thing of dividing genes/cells and can determine the likelihood of cancer reoccurrence in my body from the original tumor. My score was very low (based on 1-100 score). This score usually helps women determine if they need chemo or not. Low score, like mine, no chemo. So why am I having chemo still? My tumor was huge, 11cm. That's what throws me into this more aggressive zone. It was a lazy tumor that enjoyed hanging around the party zone in my breast and just grew there. It finally had some drunk stragglers who wandered off and passed out in my lymph node, only making it to the front entry of the node.
Again a mental reassurance to me I am going to live a long and healthy life if I do everything I can now to treat it. It is still surreal thinking I had cancer and if not caught when I did, I could have died. Yea, yea, you could cross the street tomorrow and get hit by a car. But to have a piece of paper placed in front of you giving your mortality statistics within 5 years (50% death rate!!) and 10 years, is possibly the worst mind blowing thing I have ever faced. It's just hard to grasp. Other people have cancer. Other people have double mastectomies and chemo, not me.
So that's it for now. Doing fine. Enjoying all the free lunches. That's one benefit of going through this, everyone wants to buy me lunch. Before I would have said, let's split, but now, what the heck, let them buy me lunch!
April 11, 2011
The local paper and my submission for "Real Life"
I have a relationship with three men in my life other then my husband. All of these men hold a special place in my heart. All three men have watched me cry and quietly handed me a box of tissue. I have disclosed secrets to all three of them that only my husband knows. They know of each other and I know they have talked about me with each other. My husband has met all of them a few times. I've been there when they have met. I've watched them communicate to each other, sometimes even sharing a laugh. It has been difficult being in the same room when my husband is with any of them. They are always so matter of fact about the topic of conversation we discuss. Sometimes my husband will ask questions, and they are so patient with him, all the while talking to both of us. When we are together with one of these men, he will exchange looks with both my husband and I but usually the conversation always ends with my husband and him looking at me. I can't help but smile for the attention.
My relationship with two of these men started three years ago. I became tired of one of them and ended our relationship after a few months. His attention was making me sick, so I made the decision to stop accepting his calls. I simply ignored them and finally he got the hint. Did it have an impact on my life? I didn't think so at the time. I was done with our relationship. I wanted to move on with my life. After our relationship ended, I started to feel better. I thought I had made the right decision. When I reflect back to what I did, ending our relationship early, it may have been a mistake. Now after starting once again with him, I am more patient. I return his calls and we have started to rebuild our relationship, slowly. Maybe I have matured in these three years because I know he only wants the best for me.
I've had a relationship with one of the other men for three years as well. He was different. I would return his calls and see him sometimes once a year. Our relationship became more serious at the beginning of this year. I would leave my kitchen table at dinner to take his calls. My husband knew about him but just accepted the fact. Once this man came to visit me at 10pm at night. I chided him for being out so late but I secretly was happy to see him. He had something to tell me. The rush of euphoria of what he told me was like nothing I had ever felt. After this night time visit, our relationship changed. I had hoped to end this relationship as well but unfortunately what he told me that night was not right. He found out some more details and called me after our night meeting to let me know. I knew after this phone call I could not leave him. I needed our relationship even more.
The newest man in my life I met only a couple months ago. Our relationship started slow but now we see each other every week. This is a relationship that I know will not last. I am going to use him and once I've reached a certain point, I will no longer call him and I think he will be OK with that. I know he see's a lot of women and I am one of many. What do all these women want from him? A reassurance that he can shape and mold them into something they once were like. I know that's what I want from him now. He gives me the gift of feeling like a woman.
All of these men are so important in my life right now. They take up a lot of time but I'm learning to be patient with my relationships. I need to listen to them. My husband has accepted these relationships. He says what ever makes me happy and keeps me around is all that he cares and if it involves three other men, he's fine with that. My relationship with each of these men is by no means a physical relationship, although I have allowed two of them to see me topless. There is no physical attraction by me to any of them other then when I see them, I automatically smile.
I feel these three men are going to save my life with the words and actions they share with me. Who are these men that I welcome into my life? They are my Doctor's. I have breast cancer again or I should say, I had breast cancer, twice now. I battled breast cancer three years ago, Ductal Carcinoma In Stiu (DCIS). I had a lumpectomy, radiation and started but stopped taking a hormone drug my oncologist suggested. This drug made me sick so I stopped taking it. January of this year, an area of concern was found in the other breast. It was confirmed. Breast cancer again. This time it was called Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC). This breast cancer is difficult to find by mammograms. It can be better detected by ultrasound or self examination.
My night time visit by one of them, my breast cancer doctor, was by my hospital bed the night of my double mastectomy at San Ramon Regional Hospital. I like to think he was checking on me but I've found out through my time with him and others he has many other patients that he takes care of, some in much worse predicaments then me. The rush of the adrenaline from the secret he shared with me that night was magnified by the morphine I was on. The good news unfortunately was not to be. Further tests showed the tumor to be larger then expected as well as lymph node involvement. What he was able to give me though, after more tests, was the ability to say at this time there is no other cancer tumors in me right now. He removed the tumor that covered almost my entire breast. A gift that no other man could give me.
The two other men, my breast reconstruction Dr. and my oncologist I see quite often. My reconstruction Dr. views me as a piece of art, sometimes I wonder if he spends more time looking at his creation then my face, but I'm OK with that. He makes me smile as he looks at his work of art that I will share with my husband one day. He is trying to shape and mold me into something I once was, a woman.
My relationship with my oncologist is now intensifying. Although there is no cancer in my body, there could be cells hiding somewhere, waiting. Although three years ago he made me sick, I realize now as I have matured, it meant the medicine was working, protecting me from having cancer again. Did me stopping the medicine have an impact on my reoccurrence, no one can say. My relationship with him will become much more serious in the upcoming months as I move through chemo. There will be days I will cry hearing his voice knowing what is ahead of me for the week when I receive my chemo treatments. In the end, I will have to take the hormone medicine I started three years ago but this time I won't quit. I know he will be able to give me the gift of a very low reoccurrence of cancer in my body.
I plan on ending my relationship with my reconstruction Dr. within the year. As for the other two, there is a long term relationship plan with them but hopefully over time, I'll phase one of them out. The one Dr. who visited me at night, will always be in my life, with follow up check-ups. A reminder of this time I spent with these three men.
I do know of the four most important men in my life right now, I am thankful that three of them have given me the ability to spend the rest of my life with the one single most important man in my life, my husband. Will I forget about the other three men? Never. I will silently thank them during the milestones of my life; my children's graduations, the holidays, my anniversaries, children's weddings, trips around the world to places I want to discover and most importantly, when I hold my grandchildren in my arms. My "affairs" have given me the greatest gift that I am so thankful for, my life.
April 3, 2011
The warrior and the caregiver
One thing I have found out is cancer can make or break a relationship. You truly find out things about your caregiver that you never knew before. Your caregiver can be your husband, mom, sister, children or whoever is your primary person that is helping you thru this journey. They are there to change your surgical dressings, drain your vessels, brush your hair, wipe away the tears and be your support. Fighting cancer makes you rethink life and sometimes it makes you reconsider your relationships. There are women who after all their cancer treatments divorce their husbands or sadly enough, their husbands leave them. Either way, you as a cancer survivor are stronger. You have shed a weight that held you back. By facing cancer it has opened your eyes to this fact. If your husband left you, he is the weak one. You are the warrior because you are the survivor and you can only feel sorry for them because you are the one who will live life to the fullest and they could not see past their selfish needs to help you. If you have divorced your spouse, you have realized the unhappiness from your relationship could effect your life expectancy. You don't need the added burden and you've decided to do something about because you have your life to live. You've been given a 2nd chance and having battled cancer once, you will always live with the fear it will come back.
There are also women who have to face this journey without the support of a husband or partner. I think these women are the strongest of all. I have the greatest admiration for these ladies who have gone through everything from surgeries, chemo consultations, cancer result phone calls by themselves. Yes they may have the support of their family but not of a spouse. There is something to be said about these women and the strength they have. I have so much respect for you and look to you for guidance because you have the strength that I do not have. As we enter into this new phase of life, you are the type of person I want to share my time with. I know you think like I do. We have been given a 2nd chance and we are not going to waste it.
On the other hand, cancer can bond your relationships to a strength that you never thought possible. There are some that are blessed with relationships that are strong to begin with and this cancer process somehow makes an even stronger imprint on your relationship. You are at your weakest point in your life. A stranger has handed you a mortality % that you must absorb and react to. Your spouse is there to pull you through the darkness, sometimes gently and sometimes with force but either way, their goal is to keep you alive so you can spend the rest of your lives together. You work as a team to get the best possible outcome.
Frank and I have started our new phase called "going big". Not the Danville definition of "going big" there will be no big Bemers, no flashy jewelry,no over the top antics. We are going big, Garcia style. We have purchased a juicer to give us the most freshest juice possible. We have purchased self help/positive thinking books. We have purchased cookbooks that emphasize whole grain, fresh cooking. We are researching nutrition, meditation, and alternative healing practices. Why all this? I need to make my body as strong as possible before heading into chemo. Once I finish chemo i will need to keep my body as healthy as possible so my good cells will wage war againest any cancer cell that might be left after chemo or if my body generates more cancer cells. You know what, I'm going to win too. Cancer will not return to my body once I go thru all this. It's a done deal. I just need to get thru the next year and I will with everyone's help.
There are also women who have to face this journey without the support of a husband or partner. I think these women are the strongest of all. I have the greatest admiration for these ladies who have gone through everything from surgeries, chemo consultations, cancer result phone calls by themselves. Yes they may have the support of their family but not of a spouse. There is something to be said about these women and the strength they have. I have so much respect for you and look to you for guidance because you have the strength that I do not have. As we enter into this new phase of life, you are the type of person I want to share my time with. I know you think like I do. We have been given a 2nd chance and we are not going to waste it.
On the other hand, cancer can bond your relationships to a strength that you never thought possible. There are some that are blessed with relationships that are strong to begin with and this cancer process somehow makes an even stronger imprint on your relationship. You are at your weakest point in your life. A stranger has handed you a mortality % that you must absorb and react to. Your spouse is there to pull you through the darkness, sometimes gently and sometimes with force but either way, their goal is to keep you alive so you can spend the rest of your lives together. You work as a team to get the best possible outcome.
Frank and I have started our new phase called "going big". Not the Danville definition of "going big" there will be no big Bemers, no flashy jewelry,no over the top antics. We are going big, Garcia style. We have purchased a juicer to give us the most freshest juice possible. We have purchased self help/positive thinking books. We have purchased cookbooks that emphasize whole grain, fresh cooking. We are researching nutrition, meditation, and alternative healing practices. Why all this? I need to make my body as strong as possible before heading into chemo. Once I finish chemo i will need to keep my body as healthy as possible so my good cells will wage war againest any cancer cell that might be left after chemo or if my body generates more cancer cells. You know what, I'm going to win too. Cancer will not return to my body once I go thru all this. It's a done deal. I just need to get thru the next year and I will with everyone's help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)